Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds!
– Luke 12:24, NLT
Words are weighted.
It is harder to dismiss hurtful words from someone who is close to us than from some stranger. A family member knows us. Or they ought to. And we trust (or trusted) them.
A real human temptation is to look to another for validation and self-worth. I know I fell into this trap for far too many years (see Proverbs 29:25). It made me especially vulnerable to my former wife’s attacks when my first marriage went sour.
Even if I did not have an inordinate “fear of man” problem, her and her cohort’s attacks would have still hurt immensely. They would hurt because I had trusted her (and them). Their words were weighted through how close I had allowed them to get to my heart.
This dynamic–in part–is why adultery and the hurtful words of an adulterous spouse are so nasty. A spouse is the closest person in your life as they are one with you spiritually (e.g. Mt 19:4-6). They were given unique access to your heart and have chosen to betray you via adultery as well as–in many cases–with especially hate-filled words.
Yet, in the midst of the storm, it is important to remember:
A Cheater Is Biased
&
A Proven Liar.
A cheater bias ought to go without saying. Like a naughty child loosing the privilege to go to the beach, a cheater is all about saying that they never wanted to go anyways. In other words, cheaters are all about discounting what they foolishly lost through their wicked treachery–i.e. the faithful spouse, etc.
Just as this move does not make the trip to the beach less valuable or fun, it does not make the faithful spouse suddenly less valuable either.
Unfortunately, the cheater has decided making himself/herself feel better takes precedence over your feelings. Like choosing to cheat, they have decided it is acceptable to hurt you if that means they might feel a little better.
That is the place from which those nasty, devaluing words originate. It is a place of gross distortion. That is what sin does. It distorts our ability to grasp reality and relate to others. Sin breaks relationships.
So, “consider the source” is a wise word of counsel in these situations. Do not allow the words of a liar and cheat be the final say on your worth. It is far better to let God set your self-worth, which Jesus says is weighted as far more than the birds in His beloved creation.
Amen. I think the words the cheater chooses to further assault the faithful spouse for among other things perhaps wishing things aren’t what they are – the words the cheater chooses says far more about how – perhaps – egregiously the cheater has disregarded the vow the cheater made to the faithful spouse, in front of family, community and God.
Thanks. that actually helps…So much of the noise that comes from the cheater is justification of their acts, trying to make themselves look good. So wrong…
I was wondering if anyone else has had friends/family/whomever say something like “for him (stbx) to do and say these cruel things to his spouse is one thing but to also do it to his children is just completely messed up.” Uh what? I feel that implies that I some how deserved a little bit of his adultery and very cruel words but the kids didn’t deserve any cruel behavior. Don’t get me wrong- of course my kids didn’t deserve any of this- but why did I deserve it even if just a little? That’s not ok. Anybody have any good comebacks when someone says something like that?
“I’m curious: How many times does a wife get to nag her husband, say that she is too tired, or whatever marital ‘offense’ before it’s ‘understandable’ or any way ‘acceptable’ for him to break the Ten Commandments and commit adultery against her?” Boom.
That said, I suspect they haven’t examined their hidden assumptions. It’s a blind-spot for them in that they can’t see how they are implying the faithful spouse deserved such behavior. A more productive approach might be to reflect to them what they said exposing that assumption. When you said x, I heard y. And that was very hurtful.
“It almost sounds like you feel adultery can be justified, is that what you mean to say to me?”
Boom.
Great advice DM and Loren. At one point this person implied that I deserved it a little by choosing a bad man whereas my kids did not choose their father. Gee, you really think I knowingly chose a bad man? Not fair.