Then the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.”

-Genesis 3:12, NKJV

Now, over a decade removed from the events, I shake my head as I remember what I tolerated and endured.

This blog is the fruit of hard-earned lessons from that season. One of those lessons has to do with picking counselors:

If your counselor or pastor learns of an affair (whether emotional or physical) and then starts in on “communication issues,” it is time to find another counselor or pastor.

You will be guaranteed to experience a session of blame-shifting facilitated by a “professional” who should know better. The cheater will use the session to go through their list of “grievances” that “drove” them to cheat. It is abusive, in my opinion.

A good pastor or counselor will refuse to allow the cheater to change the subject from their abusive cheating.

They will insist the Cheater fully own their sins including the damage they created. Also, they will go hard on the entitlement lies that the Cheater told themselves.

Making the conversation about the marriage relationship will not be on the docket until–or unless–the Cheater convinces EVERYONE in the room that they completely own the wrong of the cheating (and that includes making restitution to the faithful party). They will understand that you do not have a godly marriage to save as long as one party feels entitled to cheat and abuse the other party.

This dynamic of blaming the other spouse is as old as Eden. Sadly, too many pastors and counselors never learned the lesson from this most basic of human tactics to avoid responsibility for their own sins.

Please learn from my mistakes and save yourself from the pain of enduring the double team from a cheater and bad “helping” professional!