In the multitude of words sin is not lacking,
But he who restrains his lips is wise.-Proverbs 10:19, NKJV
People’s criticisms say a lot…
…but not necessarily anything about the one criticized.
This is a lesson impressed upon me during my formal training in clinical pastoral care. It is an important lesson to remember when dealing with the myriad of armchair Christian advisers who may be quick to judge a faithful spouse.
A questioner urging a faithful spouse to examine their “contributions to the marriage’s demise” reveals this questioner is a firm believer in “The Shared Responsibility Lie.“
They likely struggle with accepting the Biblical truth that adultery is all the cause needed to end a marriage in God’s eyes (e.g. Deuteronomy 22:22 and Jeremiah 3:8). Plus, they may struggle to see the cheating spouse as an agent fully responsible for his or her poor choices regardless of the marriage environment.
An emphatic declaration of “God hates divorce!” from someone confronted with a faithful spouse who is considering divorce or is already divorce is revealing as well.
It says to me that this person is more comfortable living by a rule than by relationship. They prefer the Law than the difficult realities sin presents in this world and God’s merciful response to that sin, which includes provision for faithful spouses to divorce their unfaithful partners.
People who insist “There’s always two sides to a story” when confronted with clear evidence of infidelity (e.g. a written confession from the cheater) says a lot about themselves.
It reveals an unwillingness to confront the difficult reality that the facts have presented. Either without reflection or willfully, this statement suggests the speaker is willing to grant some sort of justification–if only partial–for committing adultery. It is ungodly.
No justification exists for committing adultery. And this statement reveals this person is not a safe person with whom to remain friends as they are willing to shift blame onto the victim of adultery–i.e. the faithful spouse.
People’s criticisms say a lot…but not necessarily about you.
Remember that the next time you deal with a stinging remark from someone who thinks they are wise and know what is best for you!
*A version of this post ran previously.
When one is going through the trauma of discovering infidelity (I found out AFTER he discarded me), it is natural to seek counsel, comfort, and advice. I heard very little that offered solace. Here is what I did hear:
Now-ex: “So what if I did? You deserve to be cheated on.” “You don’t make me happy.”
Work admin: “You didn’t check up on him? I always verify my husband is where he says. You’ll know better and be more wary next time.” (Message: I was wrong to trust my spouse)
Former father-in-law when confronted with his son’s cheating: “We all have problems. He has problems. I have problems. You have problems. The trouble is neither of you were open enough.” (I feel I was too open).
Former sister-in-law: “Well, you weren’t perfect either.”
Divorce Care moderator: “You’ll be able to look at what you did wrong and be a better spouse in the future.”
My mother: “You’ll find peace when you admit your part in it.”
Group therapy member: “This happened because maybe God is teaching you a lesson.”
Online forums, websites, books, and groups devoted to the Reconciliation Via Cheap Grace/Spouse-shaming/Band-Aid ideal. These groups/individuals often want money and some guarantee you’ll save your marriage and learn to be a better spouse. They exhort you to give your cheating spouse “space,” offer him/her non-judgemental, non-nagging support, and advise you to prove YOU changed and are a safe, loving person versus a horrible monster who drove his/her spouse to cheat.
Until I found your site, I was despairing and in turmoil. You provided the first Biblically-sound, non-shaming counsel I had. I didn’t want pity or brow-beating. I didn’t need to be re-traumatized. I needed acknowledgement that infidelity is a sinful, selfish choice as well as a destructive, abusive action that harms the faithful spouse in multiple ways. I needed to learn that I have worth and didn’t cause or deserve the infidelity and pain. I needed to believe that truth and light are on the other side of this darkness.
Thanks for your kind words! I am sorry so many failed you. Those lines are so common and so hurtful. This is why Divorce Minister exists and why I am trying to finish the book.