Hi.
I am the cheater in my relationship. I have been addicted to porn for 20 years as well as have visited massage parlors and strip clubs for 10 years. My sin is indeed grevious [sic]. My wife is leaving and divorcing me.
I agree with everything you say in your posts. I deserve nothing. I do long to be repentant, yet in every interaction with her, my fear of the consequences (my kids, finances, reputation etc) comes out and I find myself trying to minimize what I have done and ask for another chance.
How does a cheater like myself truly come to repentance and empathy for the person he has heinously sinned against?
-John
Dear John,
Have you found competent counseling to help you address your sinful and dysfunctional sexual habits? These are long-standing problems that need addressing with professional help.
You write,
I deserve nothing.
Do you really believe this? I ask because the next sentence talks about how you focus upon keeping what you already lost through your sinful behavior.
This is key:
You must stop thinking these losses are about her “taking” them away from you as opposed to what they actually are–namely, the consequence for your own decades of sin.
King David understood that the loss of his son and the other consequences were upon his own head for his own sin. This needs to be the starting point for true repentance.
Can a faithful spouse show mercy and not divorce? Yes. However, such is a gift and not something to be compelled or expected.
As far as empathy is concerned, have you looked at this situation from your wife’s perspective?
How would you feel if your wife was finding sexual satisfaction with others for a decade plus having your soul raped repeatedly? Could you trust her again? Think of all the lies on top of the cheating.
Have you been tested for STDs (if not, then please do and tell her)? Think about the fear your spouse brought some disease back from those activities.
The path forward to repentance and empathy is to first understand your own sin caused the losses you fear. Considered them gone. Then consider the damage your sin did to your wife and how you would feel in her shoes. That is empathy.
It is a long road forward, and she may still follow through with divorce as is biblically just (see Mt 19:9); however, I hope regardless of the outcome that you focus upon getting a handle on your sinful habits and discover the hope that comes from freedom from sin.
Blessings,
Dear John,
It’s good that you are seeking repentance and you are dealing with your problems.
I know you don’t want to deal with the consequences and you’re hoping for the gift of another chance but you must understand your betrayed wife has been dealing with the consequences that you forced onto her without any opting out. She has lost so much already. You’ve caused so much damage that you cannot see and because it’s hidden from sight it isn’t as real as a flesh wound. It’s worse and I don’t believe anyone who hasn’t went through it really understands.
But I do know there is freedom from sin in Jesus, and forgiveness and restoration and grace. People have been changed by Jesus if they want to be. I hope you are one of them.
Amen
I have been in sex addiction counseling for the last 5 months. I have quit all forms of immorality cold turkey and have not gone back. Thankfully there are no stds. I have been seeking God in reading my Bible. I have tried to think about it from her perspective. At times, I am incredibly remorseful. Yet, I still struggle so much with the losses. I have lost everything that is of true value in my life I find myself identifying with Judas, Saul, and Esau, and mourning these losses. I hate this… But it is the truth. My selfishness is great. I don’t know what else to do. I have begged God for true repentance, but I am not there yet.
John,
I am glad you have started the journey. A willing heart is a good place to start. When I talk about not focusing on losses, I am not saying you cannot grieve those loses. However, I say that you grieve those on your time and not your partner’s–i.e. not in their presence. Remember that your (ex) wife is not the cause of your losses–your bad behavior is.
This is a process. I have heard of one successful restoration following adultery. It took him 8 years of hard work. The first step is recognizing you have a problem and then deciding to work on it. What lies did/do you believe that led you to this point? Focus on refuting those.
Blessings,
-DM
Thanks for your advice. That has been the main problem. I have grieved those losses too often in her presence and this has caused her additional pain. i.e (moping, trying to talk her out of divorce) I regret this. She calls me out immediately everytime I do this as evidence that I have not fully repented. I will be more focused on not doing that in her presence going forward. I believed the lies that I deserved pleasure, and I believed it wouldn’t hurt anyone, and I believed I would never be found out… and it was easier than working through issues with my wife. All cowardly, selfish, and lazy reasons, and now I am reaping the consequences… I know that I do not understand the pain that I have caused her… I know that I want to change and repent, but she cannot see my heart and there have been so many lies… I don’t know if I truly know my own heart. It vacillates between remorse and trying to avoid consequences. It is a mess. But you are right, she does not deserve additional pain
Also what does restitution look like in my case, where she does not wish to reconcile with me?
Making sure she has a generous exit agreement/divorce terms and not shaming her for feeling she needs to move on….