Dear DM, I don’t know how to fix this.

Good afternoon,

Obviously you deal with complicated situations so I’m just going to assume you can read between the lines and understand this marriage of mine with the details I give.

So. Here we are.

We’re married under the worldly courts AND covenant agreements. We have two children 3 mnths and 1 yr and 4 months.

Things were never great. We began the marriage without children both understanding a forsake all. Both truly understanding what that meant.

Bills stacked up, she got pregnant. Chaos ensued.
Inner conflict began. Time spent evangelizing became more and more struggle to keep the family provided for. Never were homeless but seems weve dwelt at the lowest income bracket for years now. Im able to do pretty much anything so I just keep going.

But, my witness is shameful and wasted down at best.

She feels emotionally abandoned. I feel she couldn’t give a damn ( pardon my language ) about any auhhority I have over her. She believes with all of her being I am a control freak. I am convinced she despises me.

I started dipping tobacco and she started smoking, then I cracked up and threw away the dip and began a long fight of repentance and war against the addiction. I then refused to give her a single penny for cigarette money and she basically lost her mind.

So she left with the kids, three days ago. God knows what kinda living situation she has. She doesn’t have a vehicle and is apparently jumping from family house to house. I’m here at the rental apartment contemplating what to do.

Weve exchanged a series of texts about divorce. She has gone deeper into hatred than I even thought possible. She’s fully convinced I am wicked, control freak, a life ruiner.

I am willing to reconcile but I refuse to live in a worldly manner any more and I am convinced she will never, ever ever submit to my authority and sees even my most honest effort to lead the family to jesus as control. On my life and soul. I am NOT a controlling person but I do have control of the finances. I’ve never held back on anything she wanted as long as it wasn’t as I saw sinful. But, I do admit Ive focused more on my debts than hers and more of what I deemed important than her. But she doesn’t seem to have a mature outlook on debt and is impossible to reason with on financial matters.

I absolutely do not know how to fix this. I don’t know how to feel about my babies, which I miss. Its a mess.

-Jesuswins

Dear Jesuswins,

Separation is painful. That was how my divorce started, and I remember that initial stage being especially hard. I say that as a way to say my heart goes out to you.

I would like to dig into what you wrote.

You say,

But, my witness is shameful and wasted down at best.

What do you mean by this? That you are poor? That you engaged in chewing tobacco? Something else you aren’t saying in the message?

Then you write,

She feels emotionally abandoned. I feel she couldn’t give a damn ( pardon my language ) about any auhhority [sic]. I have over her. She believes with all of her being I am a control freak. I am convinced she despises me.

I think it might be good to talk about realistic expectations. From what you have shared, I doubt you have much time to engage in deep emotional conversations because you have been working so hard to provide.

That said, I would encourage you NOT to focus on her submitting to your authority. This creates a power struggle and is unhealthy. It can become a matter of being controlling.

What to do? I would recommend living in such a way that she would want to seek your leadership and direction.

You write,

I started dipping tobacco and she started smoking, then I cracked up and threw away the dip and began a long fight of repentance and war against the addiction. I then refused to give her a single penny for cigarette money and she basically lost her mind.

Addiction is not simply a matter of choice and sin. It is a disease. There are physical dependency issues that come with addiction.

It sounds like your wife is addicted to nicotine. Forcing her to quit cold turkey by not giving her cigarette money is unkind as it does not provide a way for her to deal with the physical addiction aspects. Plus, it does not allow her to make her own choices on the matter.

We are not responsible for another person’s sins (see 2 Corinthians 5:10). This includes our spouse’s. We can encourage godliness, but the other individual has to make that choice themselves. She has to come to her own decision to forsake nicotine. You cannot force your own moral choice on her.

Trying to keep her from smoking by controlling her financial ability to do so is controlling.

The decision to end her dependence on cigarettes needs to be her own decision. Anything less will result in ruin, in my opinion.

You are living in that mess right now. She has left with the kids and is talking divorce with you.

My recommendation is to find a godly Christian pastor or therapist. (I am NOT a therapist). It would be good for both of you to talk through the relationship with an impartial third party present.

I do not believe God wanted Christian marriage to become such that the husband makes all the decisions and his wife exists to fulfill those orders. Such an understanding can easily devolve into an abusive and controlling relationship. That is contrary to God’s vision for us to have loving, respect-filled marriages reflecting how our Triune God is.

Divorce does not strike me as the correct course of action in this situation at this time. Apologizing for refusing to give money for smoking and seeking professional help to heal the marriage seem to be good steps at this point.

Hope that helps!

DM