Dear DM, I wish I had found your website sooner.

Dear Divorce Minister,

I’m not articulate so I’ll try to explain that I wish I had found your website sooner. My husband has been a serial cheater for 25 years, I just didn’t know it. How stupid can a woman be? For many reasons, I wish I had found your website sooner. You see, I’ve been made to feel that somehow I’m to blame for the low self-esteem that led my husband to cheat in hopes of lifting his self-esteem. Somehow, my intelligence, professional success, popularity, physical appearance, athleticism, education, motivation, was most likely overwhelming for an introverted person, such as him. Can you believe that? I did. That is, until I stumbled across your website.

Now I’d like to go back and ask the “Christian” counselors and pastors, what kind of “serial cheater” is an introvert? No such thing. He wasn’t so “introverted” when he prowling for women to have affairs with.

The worst part about all of this, is that I am a devout believer, so after 25 years of marriage and who knows how many affairs (I can only prove 7), had I received the counseling based on scripture about how God dealt with infidelity, then I would have been given the opportunity to make the best possible decision a long time ago. Instead, I was advised to “forgive”; which led to the most recent discovery and boy it was worst than any other discovery. You see, I went to pick up a prescription, and inadvertently picked up his STD prescription. I’ve been tested every month for 2 years and by the Grace of God I’m healthy but what a gut-punch. Since then, I just lost myself. I continued to work but life changed forever. What kind of person does this?

He was diagnosed with a treatable but incurable STD several years prior but never said a word. I still struggle with the enormity of it all and other than your website, I don’t have any support but with God all things are possible.

When pastors & counselors fail to hold cheaters accountable, the victims continue to be victims and sometimes the possibilities can be deadly. Thank you for your website, I share it so often that I actually made business cards and for the times I run out, I have a photo I’m able to text.

Appreciative,

Marooned

Dear Marooned,

Thank you for your kind words and sharing this website with others! As I strive through a season of unemployment, God used your words to remind me that what I am doing is valuable to Him. That is all that matters. Thanks for being a “raven” for me today!

I want to dig into what you wrote. First, I want to start with the shame over “not knowing.” You wrote,

My husband has been a serial cheater for 25 years, I just didn’t know it. How stupid can a woman be?

You are not stupid! It is completely reasonable to trust someone to be faithful when they vowed to do so before God and at least, some sort of state authority (like a pastor or judge). Plus, some cheaters–like some criminals–are adept at deception on top of that.

Somehow, my intelligence, professional success, popularity, physical appearance, athleticism, education, motivation, was most likely overwhelming for an introverted person, such as him. Can you believe that? I did.

I wonder: Who gave you this crazy “excuse” for his sin?

If it makes you feel any better, I believed an emotional affair was simply a “cry for help” from my ex-wife. In other words, I was the problem, not the cheating. Different “excuse” but same effect.

When you are deeply invested in your marriage, it is hard to accept your spouse is the only one who can fix this issue as it is their own choices and actions that are the REAL issue. You cannot repent for someone else. They have to own their sin and make the changes themselves.

Now I’d like to go back and ask the “Christian” counselors and pastors, what kind of “serial cheater” is an introvert? No such thing. He wasn’t so “introverted” when he prowling for women to have affairs with.

I think a better question is to ask them where it is it written in the Bible that adultery is ever justified. Can they point to a verse that says it is okay for an “overwhelmed introvert” to be unfaithful to his wife?

The introvert thing is just a lame excuse. I am sure some introverts–think online nerds hunting the back pages of Craigslist–are able to cheat just as much as an extrovert.

The problem here really isn’t related to personality but rather character. Both introverted and extroverted cheaters lack character.

Whoever gave you this line was misdirecting you from this fact. They didn’t help you see sin is caused by the sinner (see 2 Cor 5:10)–not by their circumstances or general personality type.

The worst part about all of this, is that I am a devout believer, so after 25 years of marriage and who knows how many affairs (I can only prove 7), had I received the counseling based on scripture about how God dealt with infidelity, then I would have been given the opportunity to make the best possible decision a long time ago. Instead, I was advised to “forgive”; which led to the most recent discovery and boy it was worst than any other discovery. You see, I went to pick up a prescription, and inadvertently picked up his STD prescription. I’ve been tested every month for 2 years and by the Grace of God I’m healthy but what a gut-punch.

This breaks my heart. I am sorry your pastors and Christian leaders failed you so horribly.

It is also the reason I write this blog and am working hard to put out my book to better equip pastors in these scenarios. They do not realize how their bad theology on “forgiveness” can lead to literally, life-threatening scenarios for faithful spouses.

He was diagnosed with a treatable but incurable STD several years prior but never said a word. I still struggle with the enormity of it all and other than your website, I don’t have any support but with God all things are possible.

I am so glad you found your way here. The beauty of the intranet is how it allows people to support each other even being on opposite sides of the world. Your words highlight why I call this website a ministry. It is more than just a blog for people in need of empathetic pastoral care.

Also, your words impress upon me the urgency  of getting my message out in other forms like with my book.

Thank you for your website, I share it so often that I actually made business cards and for the times I run out, I have a photo I’m able to text.

Thank you for spreading the word!

This is how we can partner together to change the church into a place where faithful spouses are no longer shamed into staying in life-endangering situations.

Blessings,

Pastor David