Dear DM, How would you have responded?

Hey DM,

I am interested in what you will say to Christian friends that they are praying for you and the ex to remarry.

Said “friend” knows we are divorced but states God can work on ex and then “family” can be back together. Now this is all stated under their guise of caring for me and our son.

I have finally released that hope and accepted ex is still with OW and I have actually started dating again. One little conversation can bring up so many emotions and forgotten hopes and dreams. At the time I just smiled and said, that ship has sailed and actions speak louder then words. But what would your response have been?

Limon_b

Dear Limon_b,

First, “Ouch!” that is a very hurtful thing for the “friend” (and others) to say to you. To be most charitable to her (?), I suspect she does not understand what she is actually saying.

If you are interested in staying in relationship with this person (or other similar people), this is an opportunity for some sensitivity training. The “friend” needs to understand how her(?) words impacted you and undermine your friendship with her.

Here’s how I might respond (if I had my wits about me in the moment):

Christian friend: “We’re praying that God does a work so that you and your ex remarry.”

Me: “Ouch. Do you understand what you are saying?!

You’re praying that God returns and binds me to my abuser, the one who remorselessly raped my soul in committing adultery.

That does not strike me as a prayer coming from a true friend.”

This sort of response educates them as a corrective to a toxic Christian culture that gives such statements a pass. Also, it alerts the speaker to the reality of how their words are damaging to the friendship. This allows them to apologize, if they are a true friend.

Some will double-down on such insensitivity. Then I would recommend cutting them out of your life. You do not need such toxic individuals speaking into your life.

Friendship is a privilege, not a right.

Hope that helps!

-DM

 

4 thoughts on “Dear DM, How would you have responded?”

  1. I doubt you’d be able to get through to this person. They will only see you as bitter and everything you say comes from that place because by assigning you to the position of bitter bunny, they are putting themselves on some moral high ground. Good luck trying to get them to give up that false power! I would say a person like that is not a Christian at all since all they know is church culture and not scripture. It’s obvious. Had she known her Bible she would not have made such a statement. I’ve gotten statements like, “God can do anything”, but what they mean in this context is that they believe they can manipulate God into applying their will to your life. There is no consideration or respect for God’s will for your life in that statement. It’s arrogance, plain and simple.

    I’m sure these so called “christians’ have some choice answers to DM’s rebuttal but unfortunately none will be able to back it up with scripture. If they try, then it will usually be one of those common misconception verses. I anticipate allot of ‘I feels’ and ‘I’ve seen God do such and such’; all anecdotal and based on emotions, no scripture. When that fails they will revert to your bitter bunny position. Power is intoxicating.

    DM”s response is on point by the way but that doesn’t mean it will be well received.

    1. Michael,

      I agree that breaking through will be tough with such individuals. That’s why it is worth assessing whether the relationship is worth an attempt. Not all relationships are.

      Regardless, it is worthwhile to recognize and articulate for ourselves why such statements are so hurtful. Even if we never voice the reasons to the insensitive “Christian,” I think it’s helpful to realize why such statements undermine our relationship with them.

      Even though God can do miracles, I would never suggest praying that God return a rape victim to her rapist. The same idea applies here in the case of adultery as adultery is soul rape.

      -DM

  2. Good article and good advice, DM.

    At my ex-church (NeoCalvinist), a woman I knew was notorious for causing fights at dinner parties and other social events when she learned people were divorced by insisting that they call their ex-spouse their “current spouse” because according to her, “You aren’t really divorced in the eyes of God.”

    According to her our laws, courts, and judges don’t exist.

    I stopped going to the same social events she attended because she had NO boundaries and refused to gauge how inappropriate she was really being, even when she was told.

    Some of these people, I would think, have heard false teachings about divorce and remarriage, and hang on to it for dear life.

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