Dear DM, This sucks.

Dear Divorce Minister,

Five years later, and I’m still numb or in an fog or angry/depressed.

I was pregnant with our third child when my husband met a woman on an online game. The gist of it is that she started out “fun and flirty” and then they proceeded to talk about more deep stuff. She discussed the challenges in her life, and then he told her he knew what it was to be lonely, as sometimes I had caused him loneliness earlier in our marriage when I wasn’t hanging out with him in the house. This progressed to mutual ” I have never felt this loved in my life” to her teaching him how to do some kind of grotesque internet sex (happened 3 or 4 times, he said).

I found out when our baby was 2 months old. He was very repentant. He said things about me, doubts during our engagement, and other hurtful things I’ve supposedly forgiven but have not forgotten. We had counseling for a bit.

I just want to move on and let him find another wife who can make him fulfilled. I can’t. The affair was partly a sign that I can’t and partly a sealing of the deal.

If I got a divorce, how will my children believe in a God who forgives? I’m afraid of shattering them. I feel like a jerk for this since it’s not like a repeated behavior on his part…but I haven’t healed and feel like I’m only still married for our kids’ sake. This sucks.

-Marie

Dear Marie,

My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine how awful that discovery was in the midst of trying to raise a newborn. 

Let me breakdown what I take from your comment and share the insights as I see them. I will big with your description of what happened:

I was pregnant with our third child when my husband met a woman on an online game. The gist of it is that she started out “fun and flirty” and then they proceeded to talk about more deep stuff. She discussed the challenges in her life, and then he told her he knew what it was to be lonely, as sometimes I had caused him loneliness earlier in our marriage when I wasn’t hanging out with him in the house.

This is what I would consider is an emotional affair. He is sharing matters reserved to you and NOT another woman. When we get married, we promise to remain faithful to our spouses “forsaking all others.” That includes emotionally.

Yet, as is the usual case, the relationship did not stop at an emotional affair. You share:

This progressed to mutual ” I have never felt this loved in my life” to her teaching him how to do some kind of grotesque internet sex (happened 3 or 4 times, he said).

It turned into physical sexual acts–remotely–yet still sexual immorality. I would definitely consider this grounds for biblical divorce based on what Jesus says in Matthew 19:9.

He reports engaging in this internet sex behavior three or four times. I am skeptical of this number. It is to his benefit to under report. Keep that in mind. 

I found out when our baby was 2 months old.

This tells me two important pieces of information. First, he did not voluntarily divulge this affair. You had to catch him or find out about his sinful behavior. Second, he engaged in the lies and deception for months!

He was very repentant. He said things about me, doubts during our engagement, and other hurtful things I’ve supposedly forgiven but have not forgotten. We had counseling for a bit.

I disagree with the assessment that he was “very repentant” based on what you say after that statement. A “very repentant” cheater does not blame-shift. Talking about your “failures” as a wife, how the marriage (meaning you) were not meeting his needs, or questioning whether he ought to have married you in the first place is classic blame-shifting.

He is not fully owning his own choices and sins. They are the fault of marriage circumstances (or you). A sinner who does not take responsibility for his sins is a sinner who is not in a place to repent. This sinner is still looking to find an excuse–which they often call an “explanation”–for “having to” sin.

Ask yourself:

Does the Bible ever offer us an excuse to cheat on our marital partner? Are there any circumstances where God says lying and having sex with a party–who isn’t your spouse–is fine with Him?

No. Those circumstances do not exist. God does not excuse sin.

Now, I have little doubt he told himself doubt in the engagement period gave him permission to cheat on you. This is just a lie he believed. He remains fully responsible for breaching his sacred marriage vows to you and God. 

From here, you continue to explain how you want to move on from this marriage. Divorce appeals to you, but you are afraid of the consequences to the children.

If I got a divorce, how will my children believe in a God who forgives? I’m afraid of shattering them. 

God forgives, AND God holds us accountable for our actions (see 2 Corinthians 5:10). Forgiveness does not erase the consequences of the sin. You can forgive someone and not trust them.

You can both forgive someone and divorce them. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Also, would you be considering divorce if your spouse had not cheated on you?

I suspect not.

My point is “the shattering” has already taken place when your husband willfully chose to lie for months and cheat on you. Yes, the children are innocent victims here, but they are not the victims of your sin. They are the innocent victims of his selfish sins.

The divorce is an official acknowledgement of the truth that his sins have done irreparable damage to the marriage relationship; and even God understands this as a reasonable position having given faithful spouses the option to divorce without shame (see Mt 19:9). 

I feel like a jerk for this since it’s not like a repeated behavior on his part…but I haven’t healed and feel like I’m only still married for our kids’ sake. This sucks.

Not a “repeated behavior?” That is not true. He reported doing internet sex three or four times. That sounds like a “repeated behavior” to me.

Plus, how do you know he hasn’t found someone or reconnected with the Other Woman? He told you so? Remember, he lied successfully for months! 

This is a hard situation for the kids. However, you have an opportunity to model strength and godliness. They will see that God requires people to remain faithful in marriage (see Hebrews 13:4), and when that does not happen, marriages do end. 

I know the road is scary before you. The unknown usually is. However, understand that God–as I understand Him–does not condemn you as “unforgiving” if you simply choose to go forward with divorce.

Blessings,

Pastor David aka Divorce Minister