A reader sent me an article promoting a book by Al and Lisa Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” fame.
In the article “Al and Lisa Robertson: Rebuilding After an Affair,” the story of Lisa’s repeated infidelity is shared along with their advice to couples to remain married even after adultery.
The article bothered the reader sending me the link, and for understanable reasons:
It is another example of shaming faithful spouses into marriage plus accepting less than full repentance, IMO.
The article describes Lisa’s first affair. It is described as a “romantic” but not sexual one.
Al then shares his response to Lisa’s infidelity:
But he also admits that he made the mistake of threatening his wife by saying: “If you ever do anything like this again, I will divorce you!”
I see no problem with a zero tolerance policy with a known cheater. That seems like an especially good–and even gracious–stance.
It is not a mistake.
A cheater is not entitled to continuing in the marriage.
He writes, “In the wake of the infidelity, everything we did for the next several months, we did wrong. We wanted to reconcile, but we really did not know how. … Every time we had any kind of argument, I managed to bring up Lisa’s extramarital relationship and used it against her.”
Unless you are of the “never mention the affair again” school of thought, this comment is completely unhelpful.
Of course, the affair and pain is going to be close to the surface for Al, the faithful spouse. One does not heal from such a painful experience by stuffing or denying the pain.
Furthermore, his statement says nothing about the context of those fights. It may have been completely legitimate for him to remind her of her sin. We don’t know.
A cheater who objects over having their infidelity mentioned ever again by their victim strikes me as unrepentant.
I am not saying faithful spouses who choose to stay in the marriage ought to hold the affair as their forever trump card in an argument. My point is the topic ought to be fair game for the rest of the marriage.
The emotional needs of the faithful spouse to be heard and his fears–plus trust issues–alleviated must take priority over the embarrassment and discomfort of the cheater for godly reconciliation to happen.
As further evidence that failure to allow open conversation or mentioning of the affair is indicative of an unrepentant cheater, we learn later in the article that Lisa had a full blown affair ten years after the emotional one.
The article continues on how they stayed together following the full blown affair. Then they start heaping guilt on faithful spouses choosing to divorce their cheaters.
This was the hurtful part my reader highlighted for me.
Understanding that not every marriage can survive, Al and Lisa encourage husbands and wives to look ahead by considering what their post-divorce family might look like five years down the road….they believe kids don’t deserve to be in this place of brokenness.
This sort of statement angers me. How about this, instead?
Cheaters, consider what pain and consequences your sin will have on your spouse and children (and grandchildren) before choosing to cheat!
It is a complete and evil lie to suggest only divorce results in brokenness for the children. The children are already dealing with brokenness in their family when one spouse cheats on the other. To suggest staying together averts brokenness impacting the kids is a nasty myth.
And is if that is not enough, Lisa–i.e. the cheater–makes this further comment:
….Lisa challenges couples to consider what divorce might do to the lives of their children and grandchildren. When you think about what the future might look like with somebody else (remarriage), it would mean grandkids would have multiple grandpas and grandmas to share the holidays with. It would mean that both generations would suffer the consequences of choices made in the disappointment of today.
The implication here is that divorce is the result of “choices made in the disappointment of today.” A cheater is shaming faithful spouses with the old tired “stay for the kids and grandkids” shtick. Urggh!!!
What about the consequences of your cheating?
Why not make a statement expressing remorse about choosing infidelity?
Or how about talking about how cheating was not worth the heartache it causes your husband and family?
The divorce is only on the table because of the sin of the cheater–e.g. Lisa’s repeated infidelity. Instead of taking full responsibility there, Lisa takes the opportunity to shame faithful spouses into staying with cheaters and thereby aiding cheaters in avoiding consequences for their own sins.
A repentant cheater grasps any consequences following a divorce for their infidelity is part of the price they justly are paying for their sin. They do not shift the blame upon the faithful spouse for considering or actually choosing to divorce them.
The humble, repentant cheater understands that she chose the consequences when she chose the sin. Those consequences include all the pain and inconvenience that comes with divorce.
This article and the book by extension is yet another example of the Christian, evangelical community making divorce the greater problem than adultery.
Please do not be deceived:
That is not how God sees the matter!
Thank you for addressing this. It articulated why the article was bothersome – that the faithful spouse takes on the burden of divorce and its ramifications on every family member. Clearly I am already devastated at the impact on the kids, and I have to remind myself that staying with an unrepentant cheater could be equally or more harmful.
You are so correct when you point out the article’s (and the example cheater’s) emphasis on the avoiding divorce, over the atomic bomb of repeated cheating.
I am grateful for your blog which consistently provides a clear picture and a beacon for those of us wanting to do the right thing following terrible circumstances. It is helpful to have these reminders of God’s heart for the faithful spouse – to rescue and not condemn – in the face of pressure and guilt from the larger evangelical community.
While you touch on the topic of the Children and Grandchildren, I’m very curious as to the Bible’s stand on the relationship post divorce.
My Son and Daughter are young adults and unfortunately suffered technological assault from their Biological male parent. I told them I didn’t buy into the “he is your Dad” line. I’ll admit I wish they would not have a relationship until he is repenting of his actions toward them. But they are young adults.
Part of the trigger for this question is because I ran across an article from the daughter of the Wichita serial killer known as “BTK”. She commented on the struggle knowing him as a Father. And coming to grips with the actual man he is. She currently is not having a relationship with him, but leaves it open. Her article states her brother is not open to any kind of a relationship. She is a Christian.
In the Christian community they teach “sin is sin”, all sin is equal in the eyes of God. But lawful and unlawful seems to hold more credibility. So back to my original question, what does the Bible say?
This is such a tough one. The Bible does speak about honoring your father and mother (see Ex 20). AND the Bible talks about breaking fellowship with a confessing Christian who is in willful sin (see I Cor 5). I really think this needs to be the adult children’s call what to do re: relationship with their cheater father. It is not so neat. I know clear as mud.
I think that the way David honored King Saul, who had fallen from God and was acting wickedly, is a good example. David didn`t ignore where Saul was really at as far as his current level of godliness and trustworthiness was concerned. He left judgement up to God and didn`t use Saul`s sin as licence for rebellion and contempt, but neither did he obey the King`s command to hand himself over .Instead, he stayed out of reach, though he continued to honor the king as far as his position and role went. We just don`t hear about this, because there are a few select verses that are harped on continually from pulpits around the world, perhaps by those who want to emphasize authority without accountability or those who want to pretend that everyone comes from a wonderful Christian home where never is heard a discouraging word, if you know what I mean.
I’m sorry, but this is not how God sees it? I’m hearing a tremendous amount of hurt and vengefulness in that statement. Perhaps this is really your opinion and not God’s?
I assure you that God takes adultery seriously. A commitment to holiness, righteousness, and justice might come across to you as “a tremendous amount of hurt and vengefulness” but that does not make them so. Perhaps your comment is really just your opinion having had it corrupted by worldly philosophies that minimize the serious sin of adultery?
Yes!
God refers to it as a covering of violence!! It is violating and abusive!
The adulterer is biblically at the mercy of their faithful spouse. Not the other way around! The faithful spouse owes them nothing.
God frees people from bondage.
Being married to a cheater is bondage.