Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
-2 Corinthians 7:10, NIV
When trying to determine real repentance, I recommend watching for a guilt-response as opposed to a shame-response from the cheater.
What do I mean by a “guilt response” versus a “shame response?”
A “guilt response” looks like:
The cheater fully owns his lies and infidelities. He or she is not proud of what they did; however, they understand they now have an opportunity to change and do better.
They reject the behavior as a violation of their own values system. The lies and infidelities are treated as a sad chapter of their lives rather than the essence of who they are.
The cheater in a “guilt response” does not need convincing of their need to make amends. They understand this is part of putting right what he or she did wrong.
A “shame response” looks like:
A cheater stuck in a “shame response” is full of despair. He or she may cry about what they did wrong; however, they make no moves to set things right.
This individual wallows in self-pity.
Such is “worldly sorrow.”
Cheaters in shame treat their lies and infidelities as “in character” with who they are. So, they are incapable in this mindset of true repentance.
How can you change if you believe you ARE these things? The cheater in “shame response” blames their “Maker” for making them this way. They cannot change their behavior because they have not owned it as such.
As long as a cheater is in a “shame response,” repentance is not a possibility for them.
I do not recommend staying with a cheater stuck in a “shame reponse” as they will continue their abusive behavior. It is just a matter of time for it to start again as they are missing the spiritual essentials to do differently.
If a cheater is in a “guilt response,” some hope exists for rebuilding the marriage. That is the basic material necessary for rebuilding a healthy marriage.
Want to know if they are really repentant?
Look at whether they see their behavior as something very bad they did (guilt response) or something very bad that they are (shame response).
____________
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My wife cheated and wanted to reconcile but only said she was sorry. No Behavior changes, then moved to another city, she thought we could stay married by coming home every other weekend. She texted me over Thanksgiving saying she would quit her job and come back. She has only spoke of coming back in negative terms for her, like it would be some kind of penance to stay married to me. I asked her why she wanted to come back. She said she was sad and lonely. Nothing about love for me or our marriage. Nothing about seeing a better future together vs being apart. I have been praying that if I am being hard hearted God will show me, if I am overlooking some evidence of true repentance in my pain that He would let me see it clearly. I want to be free from the torment. It’s getting bad and I am really struggling with depression over the past 2-3 weeks. I need some breakthrough.
Sorry that your comment got stuck in my spam filter. Sometimes it is over eager.
Did she come fully clean with what she did specifically (e.g. I had sexual intercourse with ‘John’ ten times, and we didn’t use protection)? I believe that is essential. Plus, did she get tested for STDs? It is on her to prove that she is safe in that arena following such behavior, in my opinion. Those are pretty basic signs of repentance.