God is an honest judge.
He is angry with the wicked every day.-Psalm 7:11, NLT
Oddly enough, my anger was often directed to other bad actors in my divorce instead of the prime character–my (now) ex-wife.
Certainly, I had good reason to feel angry towards those others. It was actually healthy to feel this feeling as they trampled and otherwise disrespected my boundaries.
That said, the real problem was my cheater. They were simply “supporting cast members.”
I have subsequently worked through my feelings with these other characters. Sadly, most are simply God’s problem now and not mine as they demonstrated no remorse or repentance over what they did. That is fine. God will sort it, and I trust God.
However, I just wanted to point out that sometimes the emotional energy that we have towards others is really better focused on the cheater. They are the ones who were (are) cheating, after all!
The others bad behavior probably would not have mattered (or even happened, perhaps) if the cheater hadn’t started cheating and trying to cover for their cheating.
I think it was easier for me to direct my anger to these others (initially) because I did not want to see this. It is hard facing the reality of what a cheating spouse did or is doing.
However, it is important that we do face that reality at some point for our own well-being. That includes processing our emotions–anger included–in a godly way.
What are you feelings towards the affair partner(s)? I understand the unfaithful spouse is the prime mover in the affair from the betrayed spouse’s perspective, but the AP willing played a 50% role in the breakup of both the marriage and family, should there be children. In my situation this person, like my XW, has been blatantly unrepentant and blew up his own family as well. My anger was appropriately directed primarily against my former wife, but I also had to deal with a great deal of anger towards her AP, whom she has now introduced to my children. In either case, I have handed them both over to God, and that has eased both my mind and heart.
Infidelity is a team sport. Totally natural for some of the angst to be directed at the AP. That fades over time when you begin to understand that the AP deliberately selected a cheater, and deliberately participated in lies, familial destruction, etc. They sowed the seeds of their own destruction together. All we really need to do is leave them to it.
I still put more blame on the cheater. They allowed the affair partner into your marriage. If it wasn’t that one, it probably would be another (affair partner).