The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
-I Corinthians 7:4, KJV
Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
-Ephesians 5:21-23, KJV
A Christian marriage is about mutual submission.
It is not a one way road according to what is record in Scripture. Husbands do not get complete say in a marriage nor do wives. However, Paul instructs us that both need to look towards differing to each other in godly submission.
I start with this point to frame a favorite “Cheater-ism:”
“You’re NOT the boss of me!”
Actually, this is a false statement when contrasted with Scripture. In a sense, our spouse is the boss of us. That is what we signed up for when we got married before God and His Church. We declared a commitment to forsake all others.
Here are a few examples where “You’re not the boss of me!” fail the godly submissiveness test:
A godly wife respects her husband’s request not to get drinks with a male colleague with whom she has already cheated. That is a reasonable request. To reject such a request is for her to fail to be submissive.
A godly husband respects his wife’s request to “unfriend” the woman he engaged with inappropriately. That is a reasonable request. To reject such a request is for him to fail to be submissive.
A godly husband or a godly wife respects their spouses’ requests to make their Facebook status “Married” thereby signalling electronically the truth of their unavailability for other partners. That is a reasonable request. To reject such a request is to fail to be submissive.
Ultimately, we need to first be submissive and obedient to God. That takes priority in any relationship as our relationship with God needs to be number one. A call to mutual submissiveness is not a call to passivity or enabling of unrighteousness.
However, I bring up mutual submissiveness today as I believe it is often very one-sided when dealing with a cheater. This is especially so when dealing with the “You’re not the boss of me!” tantrum.
Cheaters are quick to demand complete control of the faithful spouse (as well as the marriage narrative). They might try to hide it behind a Bible verse here and there. That does not fly here. I am exposing it for what it is:
Ungodliness and spiritual abuse.
It is yet another evidence of their unclean heart that they would not consider submitting to their spouse in a reasonable matter of fidelity.
I was befuddled at your words here, until I finally realized that you meant “deferring” to each other, not “differing”.
I am beginning to think Eph. 5:21 is one of the most misunderstood verses in the Bible. Let’s look at the following two passages of scripture:
[Eph. 5:21-25 KJV] 21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
[Col. 3:18-19 KJV] 18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love [your] wives, and be not bitter against them.
It seems you want to claim that the commands to the husbands in these two passages are commands to submit to their wives. That would be a ridiculous conclusion. There is no command, outside of a misreading of Eph. 5:21, for a husband to submit to his wife. The example of Christ dying for the church is not Jesus submitting to the church, but submission to God the Father.
This does not mean that Christian husbands have the authority to force their wives to submit to them. However, the passages say to love your wife as Christ loved the church, and love your wife and be not bitter against her. If husbands do this, they won’t be cheating on their wives. And, if wives are submitting to God and their husbands, they won’t be cheating on their husbands.
It’s the same net result, but it does not depend on mutual submission with the husbands submitting to their wives.
I absolutely agree that “we need to first be submissive and obedient to God”! Unfortunately, the “call to mutual submissiveness” does result in “enabling of unrighteousness” with wives rebelling against their husbands. Why? The command to “submit to one another” is interpreted to mean a wife does not need to submit to her husband if she thinks his desire or behavior is ungodly, and most especially when she thinks it is unloving. But Ephesians 5:24 says that wives are to be subject to their own husbands in every thing. There is no exception given.
In summary, reading these scriptures and looking at the context, we see that wives are commanded to submit to their husbands, and husbands are told to love their wives. In both cases, that behavior is compared to the relationship and behavior of Christ and the church.
If a husband is cheating, it’s because he is rebelling against God’s command by not loving his wife.
If a wife is cheating, it’s because she is rebelling against God’s command by not submitting to her husband.
Cheaters are sinners, and both men and women cheat because of their sinful, rebellious nature.
OKR,
Thanks for your thoughtful engagement with my post! We do disagree, of course, about how best to interpret this passage.
What then does that call to mutual submission mean in verse 21?
We also have calls in Scripture to submit to the governmental authorities. There are no qualifiers there either (and not even a verse 21 talking about mutual submission in those contexts). However, God would not want us to obey an ungodly order from the government like denying our faith as evidenced by how the Apostles dealt with such an order in Acts to stop preaching the Gospel.
-DM
I tried to tell my ex-husband that he shouldn’t be friends with the mistress and he said in front of the counselor “Who are you to tell me who I should be friends with? I don’t tell you who to be friends with.” I replied “Well, I don’t have sex with my friends.” He later got into a new marriage and him and his wife have an open marriage, at his request of course. He repeatedly broke the open marriage contract with his wife and refused to listen to her when she expressed concerns. He even kicked her out at one point and lived with the girlfriend. As soon as things went south with his girlfriend, he demanded that his wife give up her boyfriend. He spied on his wife and found out that she didn’t break up with the boyfriend. Because, you know, it’s somehow okay for him to be the boss of other people, but other people can’t ever be the boss of him.
Guess I dodged some bullets by ending up divorced.