But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and merciful God.
Nehemiah 9:31, NIV
What do I mean by a “divorce-positive” resource for evangelicals?
-Do I mean divorce is the answer to all marital problems? No.
-Do I mean divorce is a positive experience for all? No.
-Do I mean divorce is even a good thing? No.
I mean that divorce is a merciful option given by God to faithful spouses (see Jer. 3:8, Is 50:1, Mt. 1:19, Mt. 5:32, etc.). It is not an evil–as some evangelicals say–but a mercy extended to faithful spouses from the God of Mercy.
This mercy means a faithful spouse is not required by God to stay tied to their soul rapist until death. It says that God recognizes adultery as such an awful violation of marriage and such an great evil that He made a provision to mercifully extricate the victims from that violated relationship.
Faithful spouses are real victims of adultery, make no mistake.
Do I wish this merciful provision was unnecessary? Absolutely.
But it is necessary.
We live in a world broken by sin. People in this world choose evil over godliness everyday. Some will refuse to repent, because they prefer living in the darkness than living in the light (John 3:19).
To conflate the evil of adultery with the mercy of divorce (for faithful spouses) is wicked.
Adultery is always sin. Divorce is not.
Even God chose divorce in the face of Israel’s harden adulterous ways (see Jer. 3:8).
The evangelical culture has failed too often to recognize this Biblical truth. We have lost our way on the matters regarding divorce. Somehow, we have conflated the fallout of sin–i.e. adultery–as the fallout of divorce as opposed to seeing one flowing out of the other.
It would have been better if God had not had to divorce Israel. But that was not a real choice on the table. God either tolerated Israel’s adultery or He chose divorce. God chose divorce.
If you are dead-set on calling divorce evil, they you must also say that God chose evil for He chose divorce.
Personally, I am unwilling to go there theologically. Hence, I have a more “divorce-positive” view than many in the evangelical world. I recognize our God is a realist. He understands that drastic measures are often necessary in order to deal with true evil (Deut. 22:22).
Divorce happens to be one of those drastic measures.
And it is not an evil. It is a true mercy.
*A version of this post ran previously.
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Just Remember that when it is a friend that betrays you it’s the same as the counselors that betrays you! It does matter if the AP is someone who knows you! You really damaged me telling me that the AP should not be focused on! Hey what if she had betrayed me in any other way it wouldn’t have mattered, would it? Don’t tell the BS they shouldn’t focus on the AP when it is their best friend and then you fuss about the counselors, it’s the same thing, she betrayed me and it shouldn’t matter how she betrayed me! You caused me so much damage! Yes my H is to blame! But she was my friend and her betrayel matters!,, if she betrayed me in any other way no one would of said just ignore it! You should be be careful in your advice, because telling telling some one to igonore it, when it is their friend is harmful the same as a counselor telling a spouse it’s your fault!!!!! You plainly told me not not to focus on the AP but my husband thT he was to blame and you know what that was wrong!
Michelle,
If you heard from my writings that the betrayal of the AP does not matter or isn’t a betrayal, I am sorry. That is NOT what I am trying to say here. The betrayal is real. In fact, it is a deeper betrayal if the person was a “friend.”
When I encourage people here to focus on dealing with their cheater, I do so because I want my readers to experience healing moving forward. The cheater is the one who CHOSE to open the marriage to the Affair Partner. I could have spent all my energy angry at the Other Man–and I was justified to be angry at him–however, it was more productive for me to realize it would have just been another if not him. The problem was with my cheater. That’s my point.
I am not trying to belittle or invalidate your pain. The betrayal by an AP is real. It is awful.
When I discovered my wife’s infidelities 3.5 years ago, it was my first instinct (and easier) to lay blame on the affair partner(s) in my misguided hopes that my spouse had been “victimized” by the Big Bad Wolves. Unfortunately, 3 years of blameshift, lack of repentance, and the embracing of a “Higher Power” group’s lifestyle that eschews responsibility and accountability, our reconciliation came to a halt as she “found her soulmate (10 years her senior), God’s will, etc., etc.,” and SHE made the decisions on her own, yet again, that will impact my family for the rest of our lives.
The Affair Partners are just more of that breed of people who lack the same depth of character as the spouses we etrusted with our hearts and lives. They don’t function on the same level as we, the betrayeds, do. We’re honorable, God-loving people who will excel in our futures. Our spouses were the only ones we made a commitment of vows to before God and witnesses. At the end of the day, so-called friends, family members, rando hookups, one-night-stands…don’t owe us anything. **Water seeks its own level**
Prayers to all for a wonderful 2019!!