Of making many books there is no end, and much study is wearisome to the flesh.
-Ecclesiastes 12:12b, NKJV
I haven’t forgotten.
To write a book is still on my “to do” list. However, I have had some positive, yet demanding, life changes lately. They include both Mrs. and I starting new jobs in the last month or two.
You see, I took a career advancement opportunity leaving hospice to become a spiritual care department head for a very large non-profit organization serving seniors. Mrs. DM took a job related to early childhood education with a nearby school district. Both are real blessings!
Good change. However, change demands adjustments, and that includes even the good kind. It has meant delaying my book writing project.
I am still hoping to find time to collate and add to what I have already written in producing a book resource. My thought is such a book needs to address the confusion and spiritual abuse surrounding situations with cheating. In particular, I hope to directly address problematic applications of texts like Hosea and the “I hate divorce” verse out of Malachi. Obviously, sin, divorce, forgiveness, grief, and reconciliation are other topics that I plan to include.
As I did about a year ago, I am opening the “floor” to further suggestions of what posts here have been especially helpful as well as what topics would be most useful to you in a book from me.
My latest–and these change rather regularly–title idea is:
A Divorce Minister Guidebook:
Cutting Through the Religious Cacophony of Cheating
What do you think?
Any must have topics or posts in your opinion?
I would actually love to hear about your experiences with hospice and senior care. I know it may seem irrelevant but I don’t think there’s enough emphasis placed on what we can learn from the elderly. And I feel a bit adrift without any elderly mentors in my life.
I don’t know if other victims of infidelity feel as I do, but I feel a lot of pressure that I’m supposed to be able to chit chat with my ex at sporting events or wherever we may find ourselves at kid’s events. I feel pressure every time I read the passages in the Bible that talk about blessing your enemy. Joyce Meyer’s book on forgiveness talked about how she just kept blessing her abusive dad by caring for his financial needs as he aged. She just kept doing nice things for him and he finally repented and became a Christian. I feel like I am failing God and putting my own forgiveness in jeopardy because I don’t want to sit by my ex or talk to him or include him in celebrations. My Christian family members and friends keep saying that someday when I achieve forgiveness I will be able to include him. What if I don’t ever want or aspire to include him? Does that mean I’m unforgiving and bitter? Maybe I just don’t want to be around someone that has treated me terribly. Why is it unforgiveness to want to avoid someone that has caused me such a deep wound? For me, my biggest problem is the idea that forgiveness would mean I would be friendly with my ex.
I guess I kinda went on a rant there, but that is my issue and your posts regarding forgiveness and justice have been most helpful. I draw comfort in the fact that God is angered and saddened by what my ex and his new fiancé have done to my kids and me.
I think a chapter on how the congregation, as well as church staff, can minister to the faithful spouse. My entire denomination abandoned me when my ex-spouse was found out (he was a minister). No one from church ever checked on me . I’ve felt totally abandoned and alienated by the church.
Hello, DM. Thank you for your faithful blogging and encouragement to other faithful spouses who were betrayed through adultery. Your blog has meant a great deal to me and has helped me heal and stay sane following my own “soul rape” by my ex-husband.
You asked for feedback on your latest suggested book title, “A Divorce Minister Guidebook: Cutting Through the Cacophony of Religious Dogma.” I will tell you honestly that I think this title would only be suitable for fellow ministers, seminary students, and to be totally honest, men. While both men and women suffer from the betrayal of adultery, women are the great book buyers on this topic, in my opinion. It sounds so–doctrinal? Like a sermon title or paper written towards a Ph.D. How about “The Divorce Minister’s Guide To Surviving Adultery,” or “The Divorce Minister’s Guide to Biblically Understanding Betrayal and Soul Rape”? I also think you are perfectly fine in using “The Divorce Minister” in the title, and not just “A Divorce Minister” since you seem to be standing alone in the wilderness of ministering to the faithful spouses devastated by divorce and adultery. I don’t think it’s presumptuous or vain to include “The” in the title. In any case, I think that whatever the title, your book will be warmly received and will fill a void in the book market. Of course, if you are envisioning your book as being directed to your fellow ministers, then your title would be good. But if you are writing it for survivors of adultery and divorce (who may also be devoted believers and getting little or no support from their pastor or church), I know I wouldn’t buy a book with the words cacophony or dogma in the title. Anyway, since you asked, I decided to offer my opinion. God bless you. I hope that after you feel settled in your new job that you will find the time and energy that writing a book takes. Your viewpoint and expertise are sorely needed.
Thanks for the feedback! Very helpful and practical as I look forward with this project.
Dear Divorce Minister,
As a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma, know that I look forward to reading your future book and will be recomending it to my clients. I discovered your blog approximately a year ago and since then have appreciated your candid and grounded approach to this very painful subject.
I wish you much success in this endeavour.
Sincerely,
Louise Jewell, Registered Clinical Counsellor, Canada
http://louisejewellcounselling.blogspot.ca/
Please don’t delay any more than you can help! I agree with FindingBliss about the title, but I like the idea of “Cutting Through”
Before I stumbled on the mention of your book, I thought you should forward some of your examination of the relevant scriptures and case studies of the sad stories of how churches have mishandled the families going through adultery and divorce to seminaries so that pastoral candidates and future counselors would have more compassion in this area.
(The unhelpful books seem to have many case studies, but none that were helpful to my situation.)
Finding this blog today has been like streams in the desert, 11 years from the affair and 4 years after the divorce, I feel myself falling away from God in the last couple of years and feel so misunderstood (censured) at church. I know God loves me and cares for me but it was only today that I felt another’s affirmation that I am OK.
Please address the grieving process for families going through this.
Please address the argument as to why the church should not keeping making excuses for not practically helping.
Please thoroughly outline the Biblical arguments that you have made.
Maybe you need two books or two sections in one book. One section for counselors and ministers laying out the Biblical principles and how to help and the other section to support those going through this. For faithful spouses who love the Lord and want to do the right thing, we do need to cut through all the lies that are given to them about how to deal with adultery. We need to support them and reassure them of the Lord’s love, approval and care.
Practical help: There is stuff that no one will tell you for free and many will tell unhelpful advice about the legal and practical things that you need to deal with as you are going through separation and divorce that would save vulnerable people time, frustration and money. Many times pastors and counselors told me things that cost me so much heartache and headaches because they weren’t legally viable or practical.
(Sorry, I have overposted today, but you asked and I want this book to be published!)