DM,
This is a text from my friend regarding my wife who has cheated on me with 4 men over the last 13 years. She is now repentant, running to God like her pants were on fire after I discovered the most recent affair. I feel like my Christian friends are putting it all on me to forgive her, show her mercy, and reconcile. I find the profoundly unfair.
“Sometimes Gods Word hurts as we read it because we don’t feel we want to apply it to our situations in life but His Word is where we find healing and His wide open arms ready to embrace us.
Believe his Word brother, we can believe in Jesus but not believe His Word and that is why we find ourselves so distant from God sometimes.
I know forgiveness and mercy don’t even feel possible to you right now and our flesh says she doesn’t deserve it, but Jesus says just the opposite. Forgiveness and mercy brings healing to your soul and your relationship with God so much closer.
Brother trust Him and His Word. Jesus knew the path to the Father and as he hung there on the cross after being beaten, whipped, mocked, spit on and much more, his words were Father forgive them for the do not know what they do. Forgiveness and mercy is the entire story of the Bible and God is ready to walk you thru that when you ask him.
I am praying for you brother every single day! I love you brother and God loves you.”
-13 years betrayed
Dear 13YB,
My heart goes out to you. This is an especially nasty case of spiritual abuse, IMO. They frame their “advice” in spiritual language to coerce you into doing something you know is unwise–namely, take back a serial cheater.
And “unwise” is what I would call it.
Fair or unfair has nothing to do with this. It is just plain stupid to open the door further abuse from someone who has demonstrated a willingness and ability to abuse you for thirteen years!
Adultery is abusive, after all. It is soul rape.
Would these same “friends” give you this speech if the matter was severe physical abuse repeatedly and over a decade in duration? Is that what they tell battered wives about their abusive husbands?
Just because she never beat you physically does not make the cheating any less abusive or destructive. And pressuring you to take her back is just as irresponsible, in my opinion, as those who say the same things to domestic violence victims desiring escape from the abuser.
Let’s dig into debunking the Christian-ese that is oozing out of this text.
They opened by writing,
Sometimes Gods Word hurts as we read it because we don’t feel we want to apply it to our situations in life but His Word is where we find healing and His wide open arms ready to embrace us.
This is a very true statement. The error is in the application. They assume their lens and interpretation of the text–namely, that you MUST take back your cheating wife–is what God’s Word demands.
That is false.
It only took one instance of adultery to spell the end of a marriage in the Old Testament Jewish community (see Leviticus 20:10). And Jesus gave permission to faithful parties to divorce in the instance of sexual immorality without qualification (see Matthew 19:9).
Remember:
God does not offer us permission to sin, ever.
By their own words, they clearly are uncomfortable with the unqualified nature of Jesus’ permission to divorce cheaters. But I guess they have decided their comfort is more important than yours, their “friend.” So, they have neatly added qualifiers to Jesus’ words.
Let’s move along:
I know forgiveness and mercy don’t even feel possible to you right now and our flesh says she doesn’t deserve it, but Jesus says just the opposite. Forgiveness and mercy brings healing to your soul and your relationship with God so much closer.
This is not simply a matter of mercy and forgiveness. Biblically, she has received mercy by not dying as God’s justice demanded. As far as forgiveness is concerned, you can forgive her and still divorce her!
Forgiveness is not the same thing as trusting someone. We may be called to forgive others (but not without true repentance), but we are certainly not called to trust them.
Only a fool keeps trusting someone who has demonstrated she will betray that sacred trust repeatedly for years.
The counsel of these so-called “friends” is foolish counsel. They are counseling you to ignore the truth that your wife is untrustworthy. And they obscure the matter by using God’s Name to manipulate you into an outcome they think is right.
Then they try to shame you further…
Brother trust Him and His Word. Jesus knew the path to the Father and as he hung there on the cross after being beaten, whipped, mocked, spit on and much more, his words were Father forgive them for the do not know what they do. Forgiveness and mercy is the entire story of the Bible and God is ready to walk you thru that when you ask him.
What about Ananias and Sapphira (see Acts 5:1-11)? If “forgiveness and mercy is the entire story of the Bible,” then how do they make sense of God striking those two dead on the spot?!
Then there is the issue of God condemning to death nearly an entire generation of Israelites before they could enter the Promise Land because of their disbelief and disobedience (see Numbers 14).
And don’t forget God refusing to allow Moses into the Promise Land over his disobedience (Numbers 20:12).
My point is God demands our obedience. He tells us to be holy (see I Peter 1:16). Sin has consequences.
One of the consequences of infidelity is broken trust. It will never be true that the relationship was always free from such a deep betrayal or deep betrayals.
AGAIN: Staying married to a cheater is not simply a matter of forgiveness and mercy.
It is a matter of trusting this same person with your well-being. You are saying that you are willing to open yourself up to be soul-raped again by someone who has already done this before on multiple occasions.
Forgiveness and mercy does not erase the chasm of lost trust caused by the cheater’s sins and betrayals.
In case you see through the spiritual manipulation, this “friend” signs off with one last punch:
I am praying for you brother every single day! I love you brother and God loves you.
Talk is cheap. And I don’t know if I would want the prayers of someone pushing their own agenda on me. Just saying.
This sort of sign off is designed to excuse all the junk they said before and manipulate you into thinking that you must take their advice because they “love you.”
13YB, a true friend would not offer foolish advice. They would consider your pain and how thirteen years of abuse has consequences. This person would not add to Jesus’ words permitting you to divorce. They would not shame you with God-language.
In other words, I do not consider this text as coming from a true friend. They seemed more interested in their own agenda than in caring for you and respecting your autonomy.
Time to get a new friend, IMO.
Thank you for your response and your kind words. I must say your website is a voice in the wilderness. I have been searching for the last 19 months for someone who “gets it”.
I have been told by one Christian Marriage counselor: “Sin is sin, and we all have sinned.” I had another Christian counselor use forgiveness and reconciliation interchangeably during our session. I had to point out the difference to him.
My own pastor, in an effort to make me feel better, told me that before he started dating his wife, and before she became a Christian, she “got around”.
And you already know about my friend. Christians everywhere that just don’t get it. It is so frustrating, overwhelming, and heartbreaking.
Thank you for the kind words. I am aware from my own experience that few resources exist there that aren’t downright spiritually abusive to faithful spouses.
Maybe, one of these days, I will finish my book, and there will be one more source for helping faithful Christian spouses.
Suppose a spouse cheated once, was repentant and the faithful partner stayed and forgave. What I find really sad is the church isn’t leaving room for the person wronged to vent their feelings over the betrayal and find healing.
I’ve been told in counseling, I’m not allowed to bring up past transgressions I forgave my husband for. But suppose it is the context of a pattern that must be addressed and repented of in order to move forward?
This is where I think others in their “well-meaning” often re-victimize the victim of their spouses sin by not allowing any meaningful healing or change. The church could be encouraging sweeping stuff under the rug and so the serial cheater ends up falling into their besetting sin again.
So sad.
I agree. It seems most pastors are more interested in saving marriages than saving souls.