“I can tell you are still tender, healing.”
-“Well-Meaning” Observer
What bothers me the most about these sort of statements is how they are usually stated as a way to express compassion for the faithful spouse but really just communicate pity.
Who enjoys being the object of pity?!
Now, it is true that the infidelity and divorce story may remain tender for a long time–if not forever–however, that is not a function of a “failure to heal.” That’s grief, folks!
Think of the aged widower talking about the death of his beloved wife of sixty years. I do not treat this person as if something is wrong with him for getting tears in his voice remembering his departed wife.
Would you suggest responding to that story the way some respond to faithful spouses telling the story of how their marriage ended traumatically? I hope not.
This person’s tears are a tribute to how much he valued his wife. Similarly, our tears are tribute to how much we, faithful spouses, valued what was taken from us–namely, our marriages.
“Well-Meaning” Observer: “I can tell you are still tender, healing.”
Faithful Spouse: “Why say that? Sounds like a judgment to me. I don’t like people pushing pity upon me through judging my healing.”
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*A version of this post ran previously.
