Familiar abusive approach

“I don’t want to hear any more about what he did to you. What we need to talk about is your NEED to forgive!”

-Christian “friend”

Some Christians seemed flummoxed by the faithful spouse’s recoil at such a response to their situation. What these “friends” fail to see is what they actually saying and doing here.

Let me translate the above statement:

“It’s not what he did to you that is the problem but rather your failure to forgive–i.e. your reaction to it–that is!” 

Sound familiar? I bet we can think of similar words coming from Cheaters all the time.

This sort of response compounds the trauma and moral injury. It is cruel even if the speaker thinks otherwise. The speaker is emotionally kicking the faithful spouse while they are already down.

Some may even back up this attack with verses about “forgiveness” and convenient–for them–removing any reference to repentance requirements. They will talk about how forgiveness “is for you!”

Watching their friend’s recoil from their words, they might think the Holy Spirit is convicting the faithful spouse, and that is why they have such a negative reaction. Such an interpretation gets them off the hook of behaving in such an insensitive and cruel way.

A better way forward for such “friends” is to be honest about their compassion fatigue and setting limits about the sharing. They also need to become aware that there are no easy solutions–like “forgiving–to solving their friend’s pain.

The last thing a faithful spouse needs is the experience of another shaming them or casting guilt on them for not “forgiving!”