Forgiveness is NOT a lobotomy!
When we forgive, we do not forget. The experiences we have had stay with us–especially the hard ones. Few things are harder than discovering your spouse cheated on you!
I am sure I will carry the technicolor memory of my ex-wife quasi-confessing her cheating on Thanksgiving Eve 2012 for the rest of my wife.
This has no bearing on whether or not I have forgiven her–i.e. released her to God’s justice or mercy. I have.
Memories will remain. They may be difficult, but they protect us by serving as warnings to us. Such memories inform us as to who is and is not safe. The memories are not the enemy.
And just because we remember or are impacted by those memories have no bearing on whether we’ve forgiven our abuser or not!
We don’t get a lobotomy when we forgive. God allows us to keep our memories in order to help us survive. (Sometimes, I think it would be nicer if we could have a selective lobotomy… but God didn’t design us that way.)
Yep, I will never forget the day (Jan 1st 1990) my ex stood there and told me he had cheated on me for 10 years, and he never loved me. This after a 21 year marriage. Oh he had treated me horribly for the preceding year of discard; but that was the worst.
I knew early on in the process that all I needed to do was not try to exact revenge. First of all I just wouldn’t anyway, but I knew I also couldn’t hope for it. I just needed to focus on getting me stronger. Back in those days a common saying in my circle was “let go and let God”, so that is what I did.
I also knew that forgiving does not mean being friends, or telling them that what they did was ok. (it wasn’t) I never even told him I forgave him. Didn’t need to.
Everyone says forgiving is for you not the perp. I agree, and if it is for me I chose the manner in which I forgive.
Other than a casual nod at a rare family event, I never spoke to him again once the D was final. No need to.