You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. – John 8:44, ESV
Adultery always comes with lies from the unfaithful spouse.
And what troubles me in many approaches to dealing with its aftermath is how the pattern of lies are not treated with the severity they deserve. In other words, Christian leaders fail to take seriously these words of Jesus and warn the habitual liar that they are in dire straits. With each lie, one declares his or her allegiance to the father of lies.
When does telling lies no longer become a choice but a state of being?
I will never forget the look in my ex-wife’s eyes as I confronted her that August day about her adultery partner. She was clearly shocked that I found out (arrogant enough to think that I never would, obviously), and I almost could see the war going on inside of her. The house of cards or–more accurately–the house of lies was under the spotlight. And I remember thinking to myself at the time when she chose to lie yet again about her adultery partner that she could not face the truth and collapse her house of lies.
The lies owned her.
Truth is the only antidote to lies. And it is the only thing that can set someone free from the chains binding them to sin and Satan’s clutches. That is why we must be ruthless with lies and adultery (see Hebrews 12:4).
In fact, the only kind and caring person in these situations is the person willing to present the truth. They need to be strong and not give a quarter to the “justifying,” “blame-shifting,” “minimizing,” or “excusing” lies used to hide the ugly truth of what took place.
Adultery is sin.
The one committing adultery is solely responsible for the sin of adultery.
No excuse is acceptable to sin.
That’s the truth.
And we are called, as Christians, to walk in the light and in truth (I John 1:6-7).
I have often thought about just that…when does one become so depraved that depravity becomes a state of being for that person or group of people. You can see the progression listed out in Romans 1 and of the numerous blog post entries and comments on different sites dealing with infidelity, it seems like there is so much similarity in how cheaters operate…almost like they are all acting from the same play book. Lying is such a slippery slope and the more someone does it, the easier it becomes because it sears the conscience and deadens empathy by justifying the deceit..
My spouse told me after I confronted him about his lie that he lied because he knew I would be upset if I knew the truth so he lied to “protect” me. People only lie about affairs to keep themselves out of hot water…not protect the betrayed spouse.
Thanks for another great article!
I also heard the justification that he lied to “protect” me. No, it was about getting maximum cake for HIM (lied to the other women too). I think cheaters actually convince themselves they are good people. My spouse was under the illusion he was a rescuer…of women who almost all had problems of some sort…emotional, financial,etc.. The women took advantage of him too – lots of game-playing. The result is money siphoned off from his children’s college funds, vacations (unknown to me) away from his family, and neglect of his own children because he was “so busy at work”. They say that the deadly sin of pride/hubris is the source of all the other sins. Lying became his state of being. That has become increasingly clear to me. It has been difficult for me and the kids to process the extent of the deception, but the light is shining through now – our lives are increasingly filled with fun, love, and awareness. D.M, thank you for your posting.
Most welcome, kyoko. Thanks for your kind words. And I agree with the idea that pride is the root sin. One has to think one knows better than God to sin.
Sounreal,
The commonality in how cheaters operate suggests to me a deeper, spiritual reality. Words and actions are too similar to just be coincidence, and the Bible tells us that our battle is not against flesh and blood. I write about that in this post: http://www.divorceminister.com/adultery-is-downright-demonic/
And I, too, got the lie that it was to “protect” me when I asked for a fuller confession and was denied by my cheating ex as I remember it.
-DM
I too was told he lied to “protect me”. Seriously? That first lie turned into 100’s more.
Thank YOOOOU! Another stellar phrase for our play book – “the lies own him/her”. I was thinking about a terrible episode this past weekend – that probably won t be the last time the child is asking why her dad keep repeating these incredible lies. (And they are incredible). Because the lie, each one, another tacit agreement with the evil one, owns the habitual liar. Awesome. Thank you. You really made my week with this post!
Thanks for your kind words, Mom three. Glad the post helps!
The truly aweful thing with this is not only do adulterous spouces lie, But in my case the elders and pastor of my church chose to lie as a means of protecting the adulterous spouse.
My now x minister reasoned that it was best not tell people the truth about my husbands sin as in his view my he was a ‘brused reed’ a ‘smoldering wick’ and in his (unhumble) opinion was capable of coming to a place of full restoration in time.
I find reasurance in the knowledge that God will not be moked and that these people will reap what they sow.
Thankful,
My post today (“Wilting Daisies Or Bruised Reeds Cheaters Are NOT!”) was inspired in part by your comment. I remember my former Mother-In-Law trying to convince me that my cheating ex-wife was a delicate flower that I had crushed. Yeah, right. Cheaters need a swift kick in the butt and not someone telling them how they “couldn’t help themselves” because they are a bruised reed, etc.
-DM
Thank you.
I just read today’s post. It had not struck me until just now, that STBX is still needing/wanting his sin to be hidden. We are now 12 months post confession. He now equates my being honest about what happened with what he actually did. (How is that for twisted logic) It is not dealt with. And probably never will be. But I am ok with that as I daily remind myself I will not stand answerable for his sin on judgement day. Only my own.
Thank you again for your insight.
I have text messages saying, “stop your accusations”… even with paper truth of the affairs. Some days it’s so hard to stand up to these lies. My ex-H has so many believing him, still one year later. I just keep praying and believing Exodus 14:14.
Homeschool Mom,
It is tough. Sorry that you have to continue fighting against the gas-lighting. Happy to hear you know the truth and are holding strong!
Homeschool mom,
The gaslighting is indeed difficult and can have a sane person questioning their perceptions of reality. One thing I find helpful is to keep a journal of reality that I can refer back to when I am starting to second guess my choices and beliefs.