The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”
-Genesis 3:12, NIV
Ever notice how quick the cheater is to talk about what “you owe” them?!
The last thing they want to do is face the mirror and see their own shortcomings. In their minds, YOU are the problem, NOT them.
It is crazy.
Yet it is as old as Eden.
The finger pointing is the way people have acted for millennia when caught. It shouldn’t surprise us that is how cheaters react when caught red-handed either.
Sadly, pastors (and counselors) sometimes fail to recognize this basic human dynamic when wrongdoing occurs.
They allow the cheater to point the finger and lecture the faithful spouse about all the things he or she didn’t give them (or so they say).
It is awful.
But it isn’t anything new.
A wise student of Scripture learns from this dynamic and doesn’t get caught up in it. Of course a cheater doesn’t want to look at his or her deficiencies because that means taking responsibility.
I used to get the contempt lecture at the dinner table in front of our sons. I would talk to her about it afterwards, but chalked it up to her depression and medication. Once my teenaged son wrote a letter to her telling her to stop as it was undeserved and hurting our family. She showed it to me and wanted him to to be punished. I said no, he was speaking the truth and she needed to repent. The cold stare I got from her was unforgetable.
Of course, I learned later she had been having a long term affair and needed to make me be bad to justify her adultery. Being raised a good church girl, she was experiencing cognitive dissonance. The contempt she expressed towards me was really how she felt about herself.
Yeah, the contempt is usually a major red flag (looking back, of course). They have to unload their dissonance onto someone, and of course, it won’t be themselves.