Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!
-Isaiah 5:20, KJV
Part of the injustice faithful spouses often experience is a community of people–even confessing Christians–who will not accept what happened or do and then blame the faithful spouse–if only in part–for the adultery.
My encouragement to faithful spouses is not to waste energy on such individuals. If they know what happened and choose to blame the faithful spouse, then they are have chosen an unbiblical position. In other words, they are wrong.
It is not your job to convict them of this wrongful choice and stance. That’s the Holy Spirit’s place.
Move on to relationships that actually are supportive, instead.
Faithful spouses–present company included–waste great amounts of energy trying to fix the world to make it as it “should be” or–in other words–get people to stop believing wrongful things like adultery has a shared cause from both marriage partners.
To find healing, I think one has to get to the place where one is willing to accept some people will continue to choose to be wrong on the matter. And that is okay because you know in your heart that they are wrong about you and what happened. This is healthy as your are respecting their free will as you respect your own.
Others can and will be wrong.
But their wrongness does not change the truth of the matter for you.
*A version of this post ran previously.
Going through a divorce right now with my wife of 13 years. Losing my child, my home, everything… and I did nothing wrong in God’s eyes. In fact I still love her and want her to come back. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever gone through…
And most of my friends and family just continue to blame me. They tell me I should do whatever she asks, crawl on my knees if I have to, to ‘go back to her’ (even though SHE left ME. SHE filed the divorce papers, she refused to talk about what the issues are, etc.) I have tried telling people my side, and tried telling them that their condemnation and “well it takes two to tango” words are incredibly hurtful (and hurt my trust in them). They don’t really listen. Instead, I just get endless questions. Some people ‘correct’ me for not ‘getting their help’ sooner when my wife and I had some arguments. Because of course, seeing their response to this, now I feel they would have been trustworthy support :/
It makes it hard for me to even accept their prayers, because I know they are just praying that I would ‘repent’ of whatever they think I did wrong.
I asked one of them the other day why nobody is talking to my wife and asking her not to leave me. Their response was “it’s easier to talk to you”.
T.T
I’m staying in prayer but it is SO HARD not to get bitter at everyone.
In pain,
My heart goes out to you! I can relate to having those sort of “friends” while going through divorce. The worst kind of “friends” are these who are trying to control you in a very hurtful time.
When I was dealing with similar issues, I learned I had to limit contact or outright end relationships with people like this. The person telling you that you MUST take their advice (or worse “repent” according to their twisted line of reasoning) is someone who is in the relationship with you for their own reasons.
God will sort out their prayers. Besides, you don’t control them either. You only control you, and you control whether to listen to their awful advice or not. I recommend NOT!
I hope you have someone to talk to in this who does not judge or condemn you for your pain. It is normal to struggle with grief as well as the injustice of your awful situation. A good therapist might be a starting place if you don’t already have one. Make sure this therapist understands you are looking for non-condemnation and good listening in this matter. You may have to check out a few before you find one that clicks for you. That is fine. You get to choose.
Finally, I STRONGLY suggest NOT crawling to win your wife back! She doesn’t need her every whim indulged at this point.
Your wife needs some tough love. Boundaries need reinforcement. It is appropriate to set a firm boundary of no couple counseling unless she ends her affair(s). In my opinion, you are wasting your time trying to win her back if she continues cheating…it is an exercise in futility.
The best you can do is prepare for the worse. I would recommend talking to a good divorce attorney at this point if you haven’t already. Knowing your rights in this situation is important so that you aren’t completely at her mercy.
Hugs to you brother and thanks for sharing!
-Pastor David (aka Divorce Minister)