“My husband, life partner and father of my children, Art TerKeurst, has been repeatedly unfaithful to me with a woman he met online, bringing an end to our marriage of almost 25 years….I don’t share this to harm or embarrass him, but to help explain why I have decided to separate from him and pursue a divorce.”
-Lysa TerKeurst, “Rejection, Heartache, and a Faithful God,” posted 6/13/17.
Lysa TerKeurst is a popular women ministries leader and author within the evangelical Christian subculture.
Her ministry is named Proverbs 31 Ministries, which is named after the chapter reference to the famous passage depicting what a virtuous woman looks like in the Bible.
So, this announcement is a rather shocking piece of news considering her background and area of ministry.
I am impressed both her courage to choose infidelity intolerance as well as her willingness to explicitly name her–very biblical–reasons behind choosing to proceed to divorce. Very mighty!
That cannot be easy being such a prominent female ministry leader in the evangelical subculture.
That said, I want to take this an opportunity to teach. I will highlight a few things in her divorce announcement post and provide some commentary.
She writes,
“I so wish we were sitting face-to-face so you could see my tears and hear the deep grief in my voice as I share this with you.”
This statement communicates fear to me. I sense fear of being judged and condemned for choosing divorce.
That is not to say she has no reason to have that fear–plenty of Christians still ascribe to the (unbiblical) “never divorce” school of thought.
My point is that faithful spouses need not demonstrate “deep grief” in order to be worthy of compassion, grace, and support while choosing to divorce a cheater.
Next, she writes about her commitment to marriage:
“Anyone who knows me and Proverbs 31 Ministries knows how seriously I take marriage. I’ve always encouraged women to fight for their marriages and to do everything possible to save them when they come under threat.”
I wish she had made the point here that one person in a marriage cannot save the marriage alone. It takes two people to stay married. But it only takes one to abandon and destroy a marriage.
Furthermore, I contend someone can take marriage seriously while choosing divorce. They take that fidelity part so seriously that they will not tolerate infidelity and all the abuse that goes with it.
The narrative where only people who stay in their marriages take marriage seriously must change! That is not fair to the numerous faithful spouses–like myself–who take marriage seriously and are divorced from adulterous spouses.
After this statement, Lysa TerKeurst narrates the effort she put into trying to “save” her marriage after discovering her husband’s infidelity 18 months prior. She concludes that recounting with this:
“But sadly, though I have repeatedly forgiven and accepted him back, he has continued to abuse substances, be unfaithful, and refused to be truthful to me and our family.”
The statement on forgiveness seems placed to head off criticism that he would have come back if only she had forgiven better. I am disturbed by the narrative that it is upon the faithful spouse to make the marriage work after a cheater blows up the relationship. It is not!
When sin like infidelity takes place, the Bible is clear that the sinner needs to repent (see Luke 17:3). The role a victim of said sin is to play is one of rebuking and confrontation with the hope the perpetrator will turn from his sin so that godly reconciliation is possible.
Moving on…
“After much prayer and consultation with wise, biblically-minded people, I have decided that Art has abandoned our marriage.”
This strikes me as a bit of an understatement. A cheater does more than abandon his or her marriage. He defiles it (see Hebrews 13:4).
Labeling the action as abandonment obscures the active, aggressive nature of the marital violation:
It is not marital abandonment but adultery the Old Testament labels as evil and for which is proscribed the death penalty as an indication as to how serious God takes such sin (see Deuteronomy 22:22).
Nobody–IMO–makes it through these situations with a few missteps. I certainly made a few myself. The point of this commentary isn’t to condemn or judge Lysa TerKeurst in her tragic circumstances.
As a minister who has been there with a cheating spouse, my heart goes out to her. And–as I already said–I am impressed with her courage to share the facts with her readers regarding why she is choosing divorce.
My hope in writing this post is to help change the way we as Christians talk about infidelity and divorce.
We have a way to go in changing the damaging expectations put upon faithful spouses in these situations, and we will never get there unless someone points out the wrongness of said expectations. Hence, I write this post.
Thank you so much for writing this post to address this specific situation. I have followed Lysa online for quite some time and have been encouraged by her godliness and wisdom. When I read her divorce announcement, it unsettled me indescribably. I was physically shaking. I can’t even articulate why. I’m sure some of it is because the story is so familiar to me and my own pain is still a bit raw, but I also felt that familiar sense of shame and fear.
I was afraid to read comments on her post. I cringed every time a friend shared the post and commented on it, and the reality is I haven’t read anything yet that is negative. Or anything but sadness and prayer for the situation (I’m sure there are and will be incorrect and judgmental commentary but I haven’t gone looking for it). But it saddens me that my gut reaction — and obviously Lysa’s too — is defensiveness. On top of everything else we’ve been through, faithful spouses having to protect ourselves from condemnation is unbearable.
So thank you for continuing to speak and write about this. It’s why — one year post-divorce — I come to your blog every day. You often give voice to the struggles I can’t define and the injustices I feel but can’t describe. Thank you for continued encouragement and comfort through your speaking truth and biblical insights.
Thank you, AtPeace, for you kind words. It is encouraging for me to hear that the blog continues to bless you (and others).
Thanks for responding to this. I was cringing the whole way through, at the way she was trying to defend herself against judgement. It was so obvious- even the part about deciding her husband had “abandoned” the marriage. That is code for “the only acceptable divorce for a Proverbs 31 woman is if she is totally abandoned”.
I was divorced for abuse 8 years ago, and I couldn’t prove infidelity. The abuse was bad enough. But the church response to me was “you have to take him back and forgive him if he wants to come back”.
I fear this wrong attitude is still gripping too much of evangelicals’ hearts and minds. We have GOT to get away from this performance-based gospel. I’ve never followed Proverbs 31 ministries that target women for this reason. It always just falls into a pit of legalism somehow.
I don’t even like how it sounds like she had to get permission from elders to let go of that marriage. Even that is wrong.
(Sorry for the rant– i quit church because I can’t take it anymore but i still love Jesus)
Im sorry. I totally understand, I struggle with it as well. I’m sure you’re not the only Christian pulling out of church because of this. It’s sad!
Jesus tells us to love God and to love our neighbors as ourselves. If we love Him, He says that we will obey His commandments. The parable of the “Good Samaritan” is the example Jesus gave His disciples when asked about loving their neighbors.
When pastors, Church/”Christian” leaders act more like the priest and Levite (who avoid the man beaten and robbed) rather than helping, it’s no wonder faithful people are leaving the church!
(It’s often worse when the wounded is a victim of adultery, It’s like they join in on the attack.)
Kay, it sounds like you experienced an attack from leadership, even with the divorce being for abuse. Where is the protection?
If he repents, the Bible says we are to forgive them. However, Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation, and it does not mean that we are to subject ourselves to more abuse.
No….forgiveness doesn’t always lead to reconciliation, but sometimes it does….which is a point which seems to be left out. My husband and I went through a horrible situation thirty some years ago and it could have ended our marriage. But God used that time to bring us back through His grace and we were able to forgive and put back the pieces. We will celebrate 50 yrs of marriage. I know our story is the exception, but I do believe God can make beauty out of the ashes if two people are willing.
“if” is the important word here. A cheater who continues cheating is NOT willing to work on the relationship as evidenced by their actions. The cheater who IS willing and repentant is rare.
Many Christian voices push forgiveness with no reference to repentance. This is not how Jesus spoke about forgiveness between believers in Luke 17:3. Forgiveness, in that verse spoken by Jesus, is conditioned upon repentance on the part of the offender.
It is not that I am opposed to reconciliation or marriage restorations following infidelity. My issue with pushing forgiveness in many of these situations is how it reverses the order set by Jesus for these situations based on Luke 17:3. The focus ought to be upon the repentance of the cheater, not how “well” the faithful partner forgave them.
Thanks for your ministry. I pray more of our leaders will pursue love and healing over scorn and judgment. The survival of our faith demands it. More importantly, our Lord commands it.
Three things that defile a marriage: abuse, addiction, adultry. We, the faithful, are called to forgive, but only God can bring a reconciliation. As “on-lookers”, let us not be too eager to admonish.
My former pastor was firm that divorced members must not serve as deacons. I disagreed, but accepted. He asked for my forgiveness (I forgave him years ago) after his child suffered a divorce. I know the pain he felt as a parent must have been worse than that of a wronged spouse.
Church leaders, guard your tongues! If you must chose between love and truth, choose love!