In a comment on the blog, OnlyEleven wrote,
Is withholding sex from your spouse sexual immorality and therefore grounds for divorce? 3 of the 4 years of marriage have been sexless…she had sex long enough to get pg and have a much wanted baby, and has refused sex ever since. She refuses to even share their bedroom and instead shares a bedroom with the child. Both spouses are professing believers.
Dear OnlyEleven,
My short answer to your question is “No.” I do not consider a sexless marriage the same thing as sexual immorality and therefore grounds for divorce under that category. However, if it continues after attempts have been made to address the situation with outside help (very important this happens!), it may fall under the abandonment by an unbeliever clause of I Corinthians 7:15. However, I would not view this as a first, second, or even third resort answer to such problems. Care needs to be taken to figure out why the marriage is sexless.
I Corinthians 7:5 (NIV) says,
Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
And Ephesians 5:21(NIV) says,
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
We are not to demand our rights but be considerate of each other’s needs as followers of Christ (see Philippians 2:3-4). Christian marriage is about looking to each other’s needs and concerns as an act of service (see Ephesian 5:21). This includes sex inside the marriage bond. Furthermore, we are called to be having sex as Christian couples if we are married unless we agree not to do so for a set period of time.
Some context for the first verse quoted: The Apostle Paul was likely addressing Christian ascetics who thought not having sex made them more holy. He rebukes such thinking pointing out how foolish it is to leave a partner so vulnerable to sexual temptation. It is unwise. However, giving into such temptation remains completely upon the sinner (i.e. a sexless marriage is not an excuse to commit adultery).
What I would tell such a Christian couple is that they have a problem. Clearly, one partner does not agree to the current state of the couple’s sex life. This is contrary to Scripture (I Corinthians 7:5). So, it needs to be addressed. Demanding it changes or else is not very loving or Christlike. I do not encourage that track. But I do think going to a good pastoral counselor or sex therapist might be helpful to unearth why the wife does not want to have sex with her husband. Then those barrier(s) can be addressed to serve the relationship better in this area of sexual intimacy.
Mrs. DM suggested to me that the problem might be physiological (i.e. it hurts), emotional, or sexual. Is the wife getting her sexual needs met elsewhere? Or is she in physical pain while having sex? Is she in an emotionally abusive relationship with her husband and feels unsafe to give him sex? I don’t know the situation. This is why it is important to find a good counselor (or doctor) to sort this out.
Marriage is precious in God’s eyes. It images His relationship with His Church. That is why it is so heinous when the marriage is defiled by adultery as it is a defacing of the most beautiful relationship between Creator and Creation–i.e. Christ and His Church. A sexless marriage is a problem. However, I do not think this problem is best solved by ending the marriage through divorce. It needs to be worked upon by the couple with qualified help.
Blessings,
DM
P.S. A unilaterally decided sexless marriage may qualify under the abandonment clause for divorce found in I Corinthians 7:15 if the wife refuses to work on the issues over the long period of time. However, I would not take this decision lightly or view it as ever a first, second, or third resort. And this is a matter of conviction. Some may argue–fairly–for the conviction that a sexless marriage never constitutes a reason for a divorce as it is not sexual immorality (i.e. the exception for Christians given by Jesus for divorce in Mt 5:32 and Mt 19:9). That said, I do strongly believe couples truly dedicated to following Christ and the Bible would need to address a unilaterally decided sexless marriage in order to really be faithful to both Scriptural teaching and God.
“We are not to demand our rights but be considerate of each other’s needs as followers of Christ (see Philippians 2:3-4). Christian marriage is about looking to each other’s needs and concerns as an act of service (see Ephesian 5:21). This includes sex inside the marriage bond.”
I have to admit our marriage went this way. I was depressed, (overburdened wife of an alcoholic who, after years, was not changing) and I “gave up” in this area. I truly felt burdened by it. Like I had to everything, and he had to admit nothing, give nothing. On top of that, he wanted “more” in the form of performances (honestly, it gags me to thinks of the energy men want to put into making this area some descent into playacting, pretend, and creative acting out, probably from pornographic ideas.) This all gave me further anxiety/fear. I was emotionally bereft and the best our pastor could do was come to our house, listen to my husband complain that I wasn’t ‘fulfilling” my role as a wife, and the issue became MY depression, meeting privately with the pastor. Meanwhile, I felt there was an elephant in the living room….the uninvolved, narcissistic, adolescent, drunk most of the time, irresponsible husband. And you know, I couldn’t talk about his alcohol abuse, because that kind of problem “wasn’t supposed to happen” in Christian families. I can see now, that I tried to “protect” us, from intervention and all that would entail. It all ended up “he said, she said” between us at the end. You didn’t do this, so I did this, and you said this, so I did that. He asked for a divorce, without admitting he was involved with someone — I had to find out later. So, was I “considerate of his needs?” I was considerate in so many other ways, shouldering everything in this marriage (looking back, I felt I was MY OWN husband, in terms of division of labor – lawnmowing, snowblowing, home repair, finances, parenting) with no reciprocity but drunkenness in return, that I felt to give in this area, was a further “enabling” Heck, I wasn’t happy anyway when it did occur. It made me think of death. He was just miserable being married with responsbilities, and they were responsbilities he wasn’t even handling, I was. So, maybe to live life with me, made him see his inadequacies. He sees his kids less and less, because I think he sees the detachment in their demeanor towards him, and it reminds him further of his failures. Whatever…I’m praying for ‘meh’ As I see it, the divorce he asked for, is truly what he wanted and what he has now – a sexual relationship without commitment and real-life responsibilities of marriage and children. I’m starting to think most men want this.
pianomommy,
My comment about being considerate was more aimed at men who would take this verse from I Corinthians 7 as a blank check to demand sex. That is an abuse of the text. A lot of other adult and godly decisions exist for a man struggling with this in his marriage. Choosing adultery or addiction are not one of those.
Hugs,
DM
pianomommy,
My heart goes out to you. I’m sure everyone who has been cheated on has some serious doubts about themselves in this department. My marriage wasn’t sexless, but my husband’s drive was much stronger than mine so it was a struggle. I questioned myself about this so much that I finally got up the courage to go talk to some of my close married girlfriends about this. You know what? Every single one of them had struggles with sex in their marriages at some point in their marriage or currently. Their struggles were very similar to mine but the BIG difference was that their husbands were kind, compassionate and willing to maturely work through the problems. My husband belittled me, verbally abused me and ignored me when I wanted to work through the problem. I think Divorce Minister’s response is full of compassion and understanding and such a mature perspective from a man on this subject.
When you have been verbally and emotionally abused like you and I, you certainly do not feel affectionate towards your spouse. Give yourself a break. It sounds like you tried so hard and have a really good heart that has been broken. I think you are right about pornography. I have found proof of pornography use with my husband which is very serious in God’s eyes and can change them. Yes, some men just want variety and freedom and to live like a frat boy. These are not godly, good, grown up men. I know lots of men who are mature, kind men of integrity who I think don’t even desire these things in their hearts. Take a moment and think of some of these men. I think of my dad, my brothers, some of my friends’ husbands.
Thank you DM for a compassionate, insightful look into this subject. All of us betrayed spouses have taken a big blow in this area of our lives in some way and probably have spouses who told us we weren’t good enough. This is another step to healing.
Thank you so much for responding so thoughtfully! I have passed it along to the concerned party to prayerfully consider. Actually, the husband is the object of abuse from the wife (IMO) verbally, emotionally, psychologically and mentally.She has basically shut him out and refuses to go to counseling. It is such a painful situation. I will continue to fervently keep them both in prayer. God bless you, Mr. & Mrs. DM!
Not that this has to be the case, but I wonder if something more is happening. To go from sex one year to no sex for three years cold turkey suggests to me another outlet for that need. It may only be an unfounded suspicion, but I do think it is worth investigating quietly. Something is not adding up. As background, a friend recognized this dynamic of needing someone to fill the need void in my situation WAY before I discovered the reality of my ex’s adultery.
-DM