Mailbag: What does forgiveness look like for an unrepentant, remarried adulterer?

JannaG asks:

What should forgiveness of an unrepentant adulterer look like when you’ve divorced and they’re remarried and you haven’t had any contact in years?

Well, I will begin by saying the spiritual well-being of the adulterer is not the responsibility of the faithful ex-spouse.

You are under no obligation to reach out to this individual. In fact, I don’t think doing so would be wise.

They are clearly not bothered enough to attempt to fix what they destroyed by their sins. I do not think reaching out to them to address those sins will get you anything but grief and further abuse.

So, don’t do it!

What you control is yourself in these matters. Focus upon working through handing the injustices experienced over to God.

For example, I recommend writing out in a journal what injustices you experienced. Make a list. Then verbally–or in writing–choose to entrust those injustices to God. 

As the anger and pain return, remind yourself that you are choosing to give those to God for Him to handle. I would mimic nailing those wrongs to a cross with my hands as if I was nailing a piece of paper to remind me where those wrongs are now.

Be kind and patient with yourself. Forgiving someone for such a deep trauma will take time.

It took me several years before my rage towards my wicked, interfering, ex-father-in-law subsided.  

God will not be mocked (Galatians 6:7). He will settle accounts whether in this life or the next. We can entrust our pain to Him.

In the end, our forgiveness towards the unrepentant cheater looks like entrusting them to God. We are transferring our right to punish them to God. This frees us to live without anger, bitterness, or rage consuming us.

Giving them to God also gives me freedom to live my life without them living in my head all the time. I have too much to do than to allow them to continue to consume my thoughts. They aren’t that important.

Hope that helps!

-DM

11 thoughts on “Mailbag: What does forgiveness look like for an unrepentant, remarried adulterer?”

  1. I gave up my anger and bitterness to God when my fiancé got pregnant by another while she was in college. I was in the Service at the time, and the shock was very tough for me to absorb…..but I did and eventually moved on. Around six years later the illegitimate child concieved by her and her lover was killed in a car accident. This hurt me even more, believe it or not, because the child was innocent and had nothing to do with her mother’s cheating ways. It reminded me a little of David and Bathsheba’s illegitimate child who was taken home early by the Lord. What a horrible price to pay for a moment’s lustful pleasure and indiscretion. God was much more severe in this case than I would have been because losing a child, illegitimate or not, is a terrible price to pay.

    1. Yeah, that is a very steep price to pay (assuming they were connected as in King David’s situation). I trust God understands all of this and will treat those children with love and justice welcoming them into His loving arms.

    2. God did not kill that child.
      I am sorry that your god is so wicked as to take the life of a child for it’s mother’s mistake. Perhaps you are projecting your anger onto your image of God?

      1. Scripture teaches us that children are not responsible for the sins of their parents. If that is how Jesus sees it, then that is how God sees it. So, I tend to agree that the child’s death and the parents’ sin is unrelated.

      2. I agree God probably wasn’t punishing the child for the parents’ sins. Jesus did say to let the children come to Him for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these (Matthew 19:4). Isaiah also mentions that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil (Isaiah 57:1). No doubt that child is surrounded by a lot of goodness now.

  2. DM,
    I’ve been struggling with another question similar to Janna’s.
    If Christians are to love in all relationships, how are we to love an unrepentant & remarried adulterous ex-spouse? Or what should that love look like especially if they remarried an affair partner?
    No contact has been key to my survival & overcoming the trauma of adultery. It has helped me guard my heart & move forward. I figured that if the equation for the marriage relationship is 1+1=1, and then adultery is added to the equation, the required relationship that the faithful spouse is to have with the adulterers would be a big fat ZERO (1-1=0).

    1. Treat them as New Testament Christians would a tax collector–i.e. no contact as much as possible and basic civility when contact is necessary. That’s how I see it from I Corinthians 5.

      -DM

      1. Thank you DM!
        I sincerely appreciate your response with Biblical reference.

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