Marital Infidelity Abuse Survivors

4 Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

-Hebrews 13:4, NLT

“Marital Infidelity Abuse Survivors”

This is the phrase I find myself using to describe my ministry here and in person to others in the Church. I might drop the “marital” and simply say, “Infidelity Abuse Survivors” to talk about who is my target audience.

The point is to make clear where I stand on the issue and label infidelity abuse, which it is.

I find myself talking about this ministry more and more these days. After speaking at Chumpalooza 1.0, I realized that I needed to become more visible in this ministry.

This is the year of “being seen” for me. I feel God is calling me to be bolder about proclaiming this message of healing for infidelity abuse survivors.

I am taking more risks of letting others know I do this ministry. This year I hope to launch a specific support group for faithful spouses in person for those near where I live.

If it goes well, I may try to bring it to others. We will see where God takes this. The plan is to use my book as the starting point for a discussion and support group.

That said, I realize I have to start by having the language right to communicate to those open to learning where I stand. That is where the phrase “infidelity abuse survivor” comes to play.

It signals that I see victims in these situations and minister to those victims. That is what I do.

Infidelity abuse survivors are the sheep God has called me to shepherd, I believe, as He has taught me to comfort from the comfort He gave me during such a time.

 

3 thoughts on “Marital Infidelity Abuse Survivors”

  1. Dear DM,

    Thank you for your ministry to survivors of infidelity abuse. My former wife of 25 years abandoned me and our minor son back in 2019. Although she denied having an extra-marital affair, I cannot seriously believe she would have left her son unless she had crossed a line of no return. That line of no return being infidelity. However, not knowing whether she had or had not cheated on me was a nightmare, leaving me to assume the worst. I literally had nightmares virtually every night for a year or more after she left. The nightmares consisted of me asking her if she had been sexually involved with someone else, and her answer was “yes”, at which point I would awaken dripped in sweat and with a shriek from the depths of my soul.

    In my home state, there is a one-year requirement of separation before divorce can be filed. I wore my wedding ring and kept my vows for what became an entire 16-month period of abandonment yet still legally married. I practiced what is called S.M.A.R.T. contact in the hopes of winning her back but to no avail. On January 7th, 2020 a judge granted my former wife the divorce she requested. Although I’ve lived my life eschewing the title victim because the term in some circles is thrown around too lightly (some people really do enjoy wearing the title even though they are not victims), nevertheless, I felt victimized like never before in my life. PTSD (or some variation) is no exaggeration to describe my experience. To me the bond with my former wife was a powerful ontological reality created by God, which explains in my mind why the breaking of the bond was extremely painful at a deep soul-level.

    For the record, our marriage had problems, but none of these problems were divorce worthy. Her claim was that she and I were simply incompatible (our marriage was like a square peg in a round hole, she said). So, my question to you is this: Let’s assume my former wife did not commit adultery, do you regard her abandonment (since she had no biblical grounds for leaving) of my son and me as unfaithfulness on her part? In other words, I have read your articles about the faithful spouse and unfaithful spouse in the context of infidelity with great profit to my heart. I view my former wife as an unfaithful spouse because she broke the vows by divorcing me without cause.

    I’m curious if you see my story as overlapping with the focus of your blog. I agree with your position on divorce and the need for the evangelical world to treat adultery with the same gravity that God does. Your voice is greatly needed. What do you think of writing a blog post along the lines of no-fault divorce is equivalent to soul-rape against a faithful spouse, because believe me, my soul was cracked wide open by my former unfaithful wife.

    Thanks again for your ministry. Please keep up the good work. Glad to hear you are following the Lord to be more visible in this work.

    Blessings,
    Fellow Pilgrim

    P.S. I’m happily remarried (Sept. 16, 2022) to a godly woman who is my best friend and a faithful pilgrim on our way to the Celestial City.

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