Fools mock at making amends for sin,
but goodwill is found among the upright.– Proverbs 14:9, NIV
When someone intentionally boils water and scalds another with it, I find it heartless to then blame the burn victim for crying out in pain when they are touched lightly on his/her burns. Such is how I view people who blame the faithful spouse for having “trust issues” following discovering adultery. They are pushing on a sore spot created by the willful sins of an adulterous spouse against him or her.
Of course, they have trust issues!
They were just intentionally and horrifically burned!
It is going to take time to heal these “trust” burns. And a fool is the one who mocks at making amends for this breach of trust as this Proverb tells us.
Going into my relationship with Mrs. DM, I still had triggers or open burn wounds from my first marriage. Mrs. DM’s fear was that I would project all my ex’s junk onto her–i.e. assume evil intent with none present. She is good at reading me, and Mrs. DM was patient with me in my healing process in these areas.
It took some time to heal from lies spoken into my life from my ex and her “supporters.” Those were my deepest “burns” or wounds from my first marriage (“Like a club or a sword or a sharp arrow is one who gives false testimony against a neighbor” -Proverbs 25:18, NIV). As I got stronger knowing the truth of my identity, these burns healed and the triggers went away.
Be kind to yourself in this process.
And surround yourself with people who understand you are healing from horrible burns.
It is okay to be sensitive.
Recognize the source–i.e. the lies or wounds from the adulterous spouse, etc.–and counter them with truth.
So glad to hear that the burns have healed and you no longer have triggers, it gives hope for the future. Steam burns are so incredibly painful
I’m not at the stage of trust issues with anyone else yet, as am still married but the post is so relevant to the stage I am at now
When I have told my husband how upset and hurt I am feeling because of things he did/is doing/saying I have got the reply that he is not responsible for my feelings, my feelings are mine and how I am choosing to react. I have tried to explain that actually the things are wounds just as much as if he stabbed me, the pain I got from that would be just as real as the pain I am feeling. Even when I was referred to have a 3 day heart monitor because the way he was behaving and what he was saying was making me feel so bad. When the results came back, thankfully it was only stress, and as he had rung me and harangued me while I had it on, the most serious of the problems I’d been having corresponded exactly with when he had rung me and afterwards, when I was in a right state; even when I had a cardiologist say that was what was causing it was he still denied it. First time it happened I was actually asleep, but he had rung earlier, But it all raised my levels of stress so even simple things affected me in a bad way. Some things you feel at such a primal level that your body know what you are feeling and that you are under attack even though you are trying to be brave in your head. But still nothing to do with him. I still have to have things to do with him because we are still divorcing, and the contact is all about that. I cannot afford for it all to go through lawyers.
I find it ironical in view of what he said that one of the reasons he quoted for being so unhappy with me that he had to find someone else, was something I had done nearly 30 years earlier, which was still he said causing him intense pain, I had let the sun go down on the argument, which is why he was still bringing it up. I was in the later stages of pregnancy and still working, and getting really tired. He did some shopping at lunchtime one day to save me carrying it back home on the train, and to and from the station. I was very grateful, as it was getting so hard to do it, but I commented that one of the items he’d got was really expensive, and we needed to be careful as we were worried about the forthcoming drop in income. I did say sorry that I had upset him and that I really was grateful just worried. He complained all evening that I was ungrateful, and eventually I fell asleep as I was just so tired. I was never forgiven for that, and had it brought up regularly over the following years [as well as other things that I had tried to make up about]. I’ve had it so many times since, over the years, how I am still hurting his feelings because it is not resolved. I’ve admitted I was insensitive and ungrateful and understand the hurt I caused and had accepted that he never again went grocery shopping for the family, and had not complained about that. Honestly if you read it in a book you’d not believe it. But, it is nothing to do with him that I hurt because of abuse over the years, all the infidelities over the years he told me about just before he left, emotional affairs, that he had an affair and finally left me, with a fellow sunday school leader we’d known for 20 years, that he was delaying the divorce, and doing all sorts of things designed to hurt. That was just me and my feelings
I don’t know if it was his counsellor or his partner in adultery who reassured him that my hurt was nothing to do with him. If his counsellor then I think that it is wrongly using CBT, because yes some things that stress you are nothing to do with the other person. I do know that when he went to a counsellor just before he left he did not tell him the truth about things, moments in time completely out of context, so the counsellor said what he was wanting him to say, previous time when I’d tried to get him to get help he waited until he was feeling better before he went and did not tell the doc how bad things were.
Sorry for such a long comment, but it is the first time I have read so helpful for where I am now