Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words.
-Proverbs 23:9, KJV
When I discovered the Other Man, I was certainly obsessed with finding out more information about him like most of us. For a brief time, I considered showing up at his doorstep and giving a butt-kicking. Prudence won out. I did not go to his doorstep and have never met him personally to this day.
Anyone–woman or man–who knowingly gets involved with a married person has already demonstrated a lack of wisdom by doing so. Trying to convince such a person that what they did was wrong and that they need to ask for your forgiveness is generally a fool’s errand.
Save yourself the aggravation. Don’t go.
Besides the Other Man/Other Woman is not all that special. This is what sealed it for me. I realized that if it wasn’t this particular Other Man, then it would have been another. He just happened to be the particular fool that fell into her sinful folly.
In other words, this person did not force my wife to lie to me and break her marriage vows. She freely made those choices herself.
Adultery is not about the Other Man/Other Woman. It is about the deficit of character in the cheating spouse. This other person just happens to be the particular person whose sinful actions with your partner exposed that deficit.
A person–i.e. the cheating spouse–with such profound character flaws is not a prize over which to fight. Neither is the person who shares those flaws as evidenced by sleeping with your partner. They both lack wisdom.
Until both are truly broken by their sinful choices, they are still stuck in their arrogant, sinful folly. It is a waste of time, as the writer of Proverbs states, to try and reason with a fool.
Amen Amen!
No kidding! I still find it interesting how the book of Proverbs (26:4-5) says
4. Don’t answer the foolish arguments of fools,
or you will become as foolish as they are.
5. Be sure to answer the foolish arguments of fools,
or they will become wise in their own estimation.
I’m leaning with verse 4. Trying to answer them is an exercise in frustration and futility. You should have heard my discussion with my ex-husband want he wanted to change our marriage to a traditional marriage. Reason did not go over well in this situation. I needed to stick with boundaries instead.
Also, just a thought DM, but have you considered that it might be best to consider a wider application of Proverbs 26:4? For instance if a friend, coworker, relative, commenter, etc. disagrees with you, perhaps it would be better to just agree to disagree. Maybe there is no use arguing with others who have a vested interest in holding the opposite opinion?
Lol.. Been there done that!! When the truth came out I wanted to walk to her house and beat her face in BUT I am looked up to in our community and I couldn’t set that kind of example!
But I do feel she is part of my situation and she does matter because she was supposed to be my friend and at my house all the time!! She is as much as fault as my ex sometimes I don’t know what hurts worse, your spouse betraying you or you friend? I would have never done this to any woman especially someone who was my friend!!!
I don’t feel I can heal until I say or do something when it comes to her, I regret not wiping her ass!!!
Just be wise. Don’t do anything illegal like an assault. I do not advocate violence here. You don’t want to make your situation worse by feeding into the crazy narrative.
Maybe it would help if you wrote her a letter and read it to someone, like a counselor or trusted relative or something. Then, DON’T send it. That’s just it. You wouldn’t have done this to a friend. So, you need a new friend you can actually trust. We’re out there.
I thought both deserved a beat down to save their eternal lives. When the mistress’s husband turned up at my husband’s work to tell him to remove his kids pictures from his wall. My NSEX (not soon enough ex) (also a permanent reminder for NO SEX with a cheater) was the biggest coward and was like “oh yes man I understand. I’ve been there.”
Yes he has been there. His Mom was at the local no tell motel when her son in law caught her. This is my biggest fear, the legacy this example gives. I pray for all the kids involved.
DM I noticed that you mentioned the “crazy narrative”. Is there scripture to explain that term?
In the true sense of crazy, it is an illness as in “in sickness and in health”. But I’ve heard that term in the cheaters vocabulary often. Can you explain?
“Crazy narrative” is in reference to the story cheaters construct to dismiss faithful spouses and try to gain sympathy.
Sometimes, I think it’s a positive sign if you get dismissed as “crazy.” That means they can’t think of anything else to justify their behavior. If you quit your job, spend all your time drinking and stealing to buy crack, gamble away the life savings and frequent a string of prostitutes, the unfaithful spouse would say THAT to gain sympathy. Frankly, most people I talk to think their ex is crazy whether there was cheating or not. Most of my ex’s exes were psycho or bitches or pscyho-bitches. Since I tried to be nice, I fully expect to join the line of crazy exes.
I do not care a bit about the other woman or her ongoing relationship with my ex-husband. He is the one who made the decision to lie, cheat, verbally abuse me and ask me for a divorce one month before our 20th wedding anniversary. They can have each other.
What I struggle with is that this woman was separated from her husband and they have a daughter. My ex and I were married and we have two daughters. Never mind what she did to me, I cannot forgive her for coming between my daughters and their dad. He’s being a fool and is clearly letting a certain body part make all of his stupid decisions, but she should have stepped aside. It is one thing to rip apart a marriage and family, but when you continue on, clearly seeing a fathers relationship with his daughters deteriorating – well, I have no words.
Fortunately, we had a healthy, loving marriage for 18 years or so. My daughters witnessed how beautiful a marriage can be. They have never met her, refuse to engage in conversation about her and will not support his relationship with her – period. Your post about the “soul rape” and it being okay not to want a person like this in your life was a blessing. Their father has been telling them that they are not being Christian. Never once has he apologized for his infidelity, ugliness, ripping us out of the home and life that we loved, etc…yet he feels he can call his precious daughters unchristian. The daughters who have, despite everything, loved him unconditionally. And, even after playing second fiddle to “her” , will want and desire to visit him.
So, as I am slowly getting over him and the nightmare he put us through, I continue to have flashes of anger at the injustice of her happy daughter, having a relationship with my daughters dad. They go on trips, spend weekends, etc…just the three of them. She is younger and has no idea about the affair and her trashy mother. My daughters, on the other hand, are embarrassed and horrified by all of it. They miss their dad and they feel, to a certain degree, rejected. One daughter is reaching the point where she honestly just doesn’t care anymore. This is a blessing and a curse. No mother wants their daughter to not care about their dad. My other daughter, however, is still hanging on and tries to do whatever she can to please her father in the hopes of getting him to come to his senses. The whole situation is really sad.
I’m fairly certain that God is feeling the same thing you are feeling over this situation.