There is something else meaningless that occurs on earth: the righteous who get what the wicked deserve, and the wicked who get what the righteous deserve. This too, I say, is meaningless. So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun. – Ecclesiastes 8:14-15, NIV
Can you relate to the author of Ecclesiastes? Do you have up close and personal experience of getting a raw deal? Do you feel like a righteous person watching a wicked person prosper?
I can relate. And I really appreciate that this Scripture is in the Bible.
It’s real.
It’s honest.
And I am not one bit surprised some traditions attribute its authorship to the wisest man ever, King Solomon.
Just today, I shared my frustration over the injustice I felt:
I was abandoned. I was cheated on by my ex-wife (with multiple men that she found at bars as she reported to me one evening. When confronted with what she said in that conversation she plays the “I don’t remember talking about more than just the one” card). And because of these choices of hers culminating in a divorce of me (that I did not want at the time), I had to go through a denominational trial to keep my license as a minister and thereby keep my career moving forward. The denominational officials and other pastors had free reign to dig at my character and marriage for a nearly three hour long deposition. It was not a pleasant experience to put it mildly. And if that was not enough, I had the indignity of having her provide sealed testimony in my trial to retain my minister’s license! This was incredibly unjust. And it was infuriating at the time. Honestly, it is still is if I dwell on it.
God saw me through those dark nights, and I changed denominations after successfully defending my license so that I was in a more supportive environment. Even so, it is occasionally angering to know that my ex did not have to go through a trial to keep her LMFT license. It does not seem to matter that she cheated and engaged in emotional abuse of her first husband. It’s very messed up, I think.
I bet many who come here have their own versions of such stories. And it is okay to feel such anger and frustration over the injustice of your situation.
The writer of Ecclesiastes enshrined the reality of such things in the Bible, after all!
That said, I do not envy my ex-wife today. She is still stuck with living with her poor choices and poor character. God has used my situation to bring me out to a more spacious place with many, many blessings (e.g. marrying Mrs. DM and becoming a daddy to one spunky little three year old girl that I adore.)
It does get better, folks.
It does.
It may not feel like it now, but it does.
I am living proof.
And I like what we can learn from Ecclesiastes as well in these matters. How I read the second verse is an exhortation to count our blessings and cultivate gratitude for the gifts we do have.
When you are feeling down and caught up in the injustice of the situation, I encourage cultivating the spiritual discipline of gratitude.
What gifts are in your life today from God?
Do you have children? Thank God for their lives and the joys you’ve been given through being their parent.
Do you have good health? Thank God, for such a precious gift, which we so easily take for granted.
Do you have a good job or career? Thank God for such provision and the gifts that come from having meaningful work.
Do you have family support? Thank God for their love and placing you in such a supportive place.
Ultimately, who really cares about the adulterers and adulteresses? They have to answer for their deeds before God. Let’s get busy as faithful spouses counting the riches God has bestowed upon us. Let’s enjoy the day. I assure you. We are rich indeed.
One of the hardest things for me is to see my husband spending our money on his new life. Him calling someone else his soulmate when thats what I was told I was. After 14 years time to retire and he has been using his sick (now passed) mother saying he was taking care of her when in actuality he was taking care of himself but I believed him because I loved him. So now Im on my own, no job, an empty nester, selling our home and feeling like I have nothing like Im not good enough, like there is something wrong with me. So I guess I have a ways to go to feel blessed but I have faith it has to get better. Thank you for your words and reminding me I am blessed with awesome kids, friends and family.
Louise, my heart breaks for you. You are far more worthy than you could ever imagine. You are good enough. I’d have some very choice words for your husband (and all the other exes or soon-to-be-exes that pull those stunts). That is NOT okay for him to do that. It sucks when the cards seem stacked against you. It also sucks having to be on the other end of a computer screen reading the stories shared, wishing I could do something about the injustice and knowing that it’s out of my power. What is in my power is to tell you you’re loved. You’re valuable. I’m glad you’re with us, I’m glad you’re here. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Thank you Mrs!
You have no idea how the computer has brought courage your words and the words of others truly help. Im glad there is a place a “safe place” to seek help and encouragement as I have. I love to read all your post’s. I have to say I really don’t get how my husband and others Im sure don’t see what pain they cause or even consider a simple apology not that it would make anything better but no remorse baffles me.
Thank you!
Louise,
I hear much injustice in your story, and I am sorry that is your experience. Don’t believe the lies about your worth. That is what they are: LIES! Your husband cheating and stealing from you and your marriage says a lot about HIS character, not yours. When one loves, it is easy to be blind to bad behavior. Glad to hear that your eyes are open now; even though it is very painful at this time. And I’m glad to hear you have support. It took time for me to get to the place of gratitude, and I had lost less than I hear you have lost. Be kind to yourself is my encouragement and allow yourself time to grieve those real losses. God understands and cares about your pain, I am convinced.
Thanks, DM, for this post. I have been extremely encouraged by your daily blog and feel that I am finally (after 2.5 years) beginning to pull myself out of this hole of depression and ennui. Focusing on all that God has provided and what I DO have, and remembering the awful things I DON’T have to deal with anymore, has been very helpful. Keep posting! I learn something helpful nearly every day.
Yes and yes! to the children and health. Maybe to having meaningful work. No, to a supportive family which adds to the challenge.
BUT I also have good friends, a good community, good career trajectory, a nice home, a best friend in my dog, beauty, intelligence, curiosity, integrity…and hope 🙂
Welcome to Divorce Minister, HM! Glad to hear that you are holding on to hope. Animals sometimes make the best of friends offering us unconditional love…as long as we feed them, of course 😉
HM-“BUT I also have good friends, a good community, good career trajectory, a nice home, a best friend in my dog, beauty, intelligence, curiosity, integrity…and hope :)”
Change the definition of family and you’ll be able to say “yes.” 🙂
I’ve never understood this mentality on the part of church judiciatories regarding testimony from the cheating spouse on why the marriage was dissolved. “Suuuuuuuuuuuuuure, she cheated and lied to me…but she’ll tell YOU the truth as to why I should be allowed to minister…”
So, true, jesusfishfood! Commom sense ain’t so common as they say.
Hey DM,
So thankful for your blog. I have been dealing with the justice/injustice of it all for the last few weeks. Did a search on your blog and I found this blog post.
It is just so frustrating at times. To have every aspect of my life affected by infidelity and divorce. I keep wanting justice. But…at the same time I am finally able to be thankful for the changes. I am finally able to see God has been laying the foundation for drastic changes in my life. There are more drastic changes for me and my son in the future, but finally I am able to see that those changes also include joy. Joy and peace have been missing from my life for so long.
But…it does get better! Thanks again.
Thanks for the kind words, Moxie. Glad to hear joy and peace are now coming to stay in your new life!