DM & Mrs. DM taken while still dating
Conventional Christian dating advice is CRAP!
That is what I learned going through my divorce. Such advice promises much and delivers little. I put too much stock in following Christian dating rules to the detriment of ignoring red flags that might have spared me a marriage to a cheater.
1. Saving yourself sexually for marriage–while certainly the right thing to do (e.g. Hebrews 13:4)–does not guarantee good marital sex or save one from a spouse who treats sexual fidelity as of little value.
I did not have sex before getting married, and that obviously did not “save” me from my first marriage ending with my (now) ex-wife having sex with another man (while still married to me). And saving myself for marriage was certainly not the gateway to godly, sexual paradise either. That takes more work in the relationship than simply not having sex before marriage, fyi.
2. Dating for a long period of time may help one discover the other’s character, but a long dating period does not guarantee this.
I dated my first wife for over a year before I proposed marriage. Mrs. DM had bought my wedding ring within a couple months of us dating. A contest of character is not even close between my first wife and Mrs. DM. Bottomline: Duration of dating does not guarantee you will choose the partner with the best character.
3. Dating only other Christians is wise and biblical–e.g. 1 Corinthians 7:39 and 2 Corinthians 6:14–but does not guarantee the other person really walks out his or her faith in practice.
In high school and undergraduate days, I refused to date anyone who was not a professing Christian. I wanted to follow godly guidelines and did not want to waste time in a relationship that could not end in marriage. All the signs indicated that the woman I first married was a good, solid Christian. I was too focused on the label “Christian” to pay due diligence in checking my mate’s character.
The bad news is no matter how well you have done your vetting, you remain vulnerable to infidelity. We only control ourselves and being in a relationship means we are vulnerable to this other person because this other person alone controls his/her own actions and choices including whether or not to cheat.
That said, I do have some pointers for dating gained from personal painful experience:
1. Understand that sex in marriage does not magically make all sexual temptation go away, and it takes attentiveness to this area in the relationship, even a godly marriage, for it to blossom.
If the person you are dating is looking for you to police their behavior and makes you the boundary-setter, that is not a good sign. They need to be able to set their own boundaries as well as respect yours. I put that in this section because respecting boundaries also means sexually and romantically. “Opportunities” do not just disappear when one becomes married. A person of character does not need someone telling them that acting on those “opportunities” is not wise or right. They actively protect the relationship from their side as well.
2. Pay attention to their friends.
You can learn a lot about a person by the sort of people make up his or her inner circle. It might be telling if all their friends are the opposite sex or if all their friends are party animals who reinforce unhealthy life-choices, for example. Her friends were a huge selling point for me with Mrs. DM. I had had enough of religious, sappy Christianity. It was nice to meet friends who were real as well as Christian.
3. Look to see if this person behaves like a good friend.
Would you be friends with this sort of a person minus the sexual or romantic attraction? Does he or she apologize when he or she says or does something mean or thoughtless? Does he or she allow you–i.e. respect you enough–to have a differing opinion? Is this person someone whose presence you enjoy? Are they kind and loyal to you? Those are a few questions to consider in this point. One major piece that made me feel safe and confident in choosing Mrs. DM is how loyal she was to me early in the relationship. For obvious reasons, this meant a great deal to me coming out of a marriage destroyed via infidelity.
4. Pay attention to the patterns of your conflict or non-conflict in the relationship.
In general, is your dating relationship stormy or stable? Are you competing for your emotional needs to be met in a zero-sum sort of game–i.e. if you get them met, then your partner does not? I wish I had paid better attention to this one while I was dating my first wife. It was very stormy and felt like a battle of wills from the get-go. That is not a recipe for success. Real relationships have conflict but those conflicts are not the normal way of things, IMO. If you are constantly fighting each other in order to get something to feel loved, that does not bode well for the future of the relationship.
Relationships require some level of trust and vulnerability. That means we open ourselves up to trust violations and betrayals by the mere fact that we are in a relationship.
I made a conscious choice not to allow my bad experiences with my first wife shut me down from ever trusting another woman again. That did not mean it was completely smooth sailing when I started dating, again. I had some interesting and seriously disappointing false starts.
However, I had decided I rather err on the side of trust and life than to reject half of humanity because of one morally corrupt actor.
And remember that: Your ex is just one morally corrupt actor.
People who commit to lifelong relationships and do not cheat exist in this world from both genders. Still, do not go into your dating experience with the naive assumption that “following the Christian rules” will guarantee finding an excellent spouse. That is not how relationships work. They are much more messy than that.
Still, I hope for each of you that you choose to be open to what God might have in store for you whether that is remarriage or a fulfilling single life, which is also a good gift from God. Just do not allow one corrupt actor to have so much power over you that you reject half of humanity refusing to trust ever again. That is too much power to give any individual human being!
Such wise words! Looking back on my marriage, I can see with more clarity that my ex-spouse looked to me to police him. He even told me later “you didn’t even care enough to ask me if I was cheating”. I realized then that he wanted to me to be unstable, worried that he may be cheating…that would give him some sick sort of attention and he would enjoy the drama of that. However, he sure hid his actions well so I never suspected. No, the reason I never asked or spied on him is because I trusted him, because I believe that trust is a major pillar of a marriage. I certainly was naive when it came to the pointers you list. DM, your words are encouraging, and I strive not to be distrustful of people, but rather aware – your pointers are wise. So happy for you to have Mrs. DM in your life!
This is all good advice about dating but I would add a few points.
-As DM states. there are no guarantees, but taking lots of time in dating and engagement is still a better predictor than hormonal rushes and best foot forward behavior during dating. DM and Mrs DM got lucky.
They just did.
I am glad for them and that the DM ministry came from this, but it is not going to work for many people.
-If you are coming out of a marriage or relationship make a pledge to your self and others not to date for a period of time. Say 6 months or a year or until your children graduate, etc. Whatever is significant for your life. You are a hot mess and likely not thinking clearly and in desperate search of something or someone to make the pain go away. One needs to establish a new single, healthy and independent “you” before dating. Otherwise you date to find someone to fix you, not complement you. Abusers can smell neediness and will meet your needs for today. Play that movie to the end.
-Where are you spiritually? Do you feel God let you down in your marriage or will send you just the right spouse this time? Take some time to re-center yourself with Jesus and re-engage the world from that perspective,
My wife and I just celebrated our 12 year anniversary this week! You can have a wonderful life after adultery and divorce, but being intentional about the process gives you the best chance.
No one ought to start dating looking for a spouse until they accept and embrace themselves as an individual first. You need to like yourself before you seek someone else to like and marry you. A spouse does NOT complete you! You need to know in your heart that God looks upon as precious GOLD before establishing a safe and healthy relationship, IMO.
Loren, we may disagree on the timeline piece, but likely only slightly.
I do agree that time does allow us to settle our emotions and see things more clearly. However, I know from very personal experience that it DOES not eliminate the risk or guarantee a better outcome necessarily.
Marrying someone who comes out of a family that is big into image management will likely keep up the shield for a LONG time (e.g. my ex) as opposed to dating someone who is very forthright and upfront (e.g. Mrs. DM).
It boils down to common values, personality, and family culture in those instances. That’s not luck but an assessment of things in a condensed time frame that can be done. Just as time alone does not heal all wounds. I do not believe time alone solves the vetting process for a spouse. It may–and often does help–though. So, I will conceded that point. But it does not do so always. It is what you do with the time that matters regardless of the duration.
Loren, I can’t tell where you stand with the idea of “God will send you the right spouse at the right time”. But I’ve been pondering this quite a bit and at the moment it seems like more cultural Christianity and not Biblical. I’ve heard the statement many times from my church friends.
Proverb 18:22 says “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD” Proverbs 16:9 says, “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” Both verses puts the initiative on man. So to me this means it is up to us find a possible spouse, but then the Holy Spirit will give us guidance to whether the individual we choose is indeed our mate. So it’s more of a partnership rather than a ask/wait-and-receive type of deal.
Also, I do not see God playing match maker, other than when the perpetuation of Israel is at stake. In fact, it is always about Israel or the Gospel rather than any individual or couple.
Perhaps we can start a discussion regarding the idea that God will bring the right person. I’m currently leaning towards the idea that He has not created just the “right person” for anybody, and such ideology is in fact destructive for many Christians who lay in wait for the perfect spouse and that somehow they will have some magical feeling when they meet them. I’ve met many like
No, I do not feel that there is just that one person that God will bring to you.
Finding the right person is about being the right person. When you are a healthy, whole person you will be attracted to other healthy, whole people and they to you. When you are broken and incomplete you are attracted to someone to fix your pain. Sometimes that works, but it makes you vulnerable to abusers.
Churches can be the worst offenders in pushing people into premature marriages, Singleness seems offense to marriage centric church culture, so there is pressure to conform. I have seen couples who had no business being married, receive pastoral blessings and affirmations turn into train wrecks because of this.
Take your time. Become the best person you can be financially, emotionally, and spiritually. Then start dating a broad range of people to help you discover who fits with the new, healthy you. You might be surprised about who is out there!
Loren,
Those are good words for everyone!
Loren, I can’t tell where you stand with the idea of “God will send you the right spouse at the right time”. But I’ve been pondering this quite a bit and at the moment it seems like more cultural Christianity and not Biblical. I’ve heard the statement many times from my church friends.
Proverb 18:22 says “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD” Proverbs 16:9 says, “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” Both verses puts the initiative on man. So to me this means it is up to us to make the move, but then the Holy Spirit will give us guidance to whether the individual we choose is indeed our mate. So it’s more of a partnership rather than a ask/wait-and-receive type of deal. (And whether we listen or not is a completely different discussion)
Also, I do not see God playing match maker, other than when the perpetuation of Israel is at stake. In fact, it is always about Israel or the Gospel rather than any individual or individuals.
Perhaps we can start a discussion regarding the idea that God will bring the right person. I’m currently leaning towards the idea that He has not created just the “right person” for anybody, and such ideology is in fact destructive for many Christians who lay in wait for the perfect spouse and that somehow they will have some magical feeling when they meet them. I’ve met many like this.
Loren, I can’t tell where you stand with the idea of “God will send you the right spouse at the right time”. But I’ve been pondering this quite a bit and at the moment it seems like more cultural Christianity and not Biblical. I’ve heard the statement many times from my church friends.
Proverb 18:22 says “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD” Proverbs 16:9 says, “We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.” Both verses puts the initiative on man. So to me this means it is up to us find a possible spouse, but then the Holy Spirit will give us guidance to whether the individual we choose is indeed our mate. So it’s more of a partnership rather than a ask/wait-and-receive type of deal.
Also, I do not see God playing match maker, other than when the perpetuation of Israel is at stake. In fact, it is always about Israel or the Gospel rather than any individual or couple.
Perhaps we can start a discussion regarding the idea that God will bring the right person. I’m currently leaning towards the idea that He has not created just the “right person” for anybody, and such ideology is in fact destructive for many Christians who lay in wait for the perfect spouse and that somehow they will have some magical feeling when they meet them. I’ve met many like this.
I can understand the distrust of the other gender after a spouse commits adultery. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s an individual issue, instead of a gender issue. Not all men are cheaters. Not all women are faithful. Sadly, cheaters usually do pick loyal, faithful spouses. Maybe it’s a compliment if a cheater picks you to cheat on. You know, they probably wouldn’t have been drawn to date you if you weren’t loyal and kind…