Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.
-Hebrews 12:15b, NLT
A phenomenon all too familiar to faithful spouses is encountering “concerned” Christians “warning” them about the hazards of unforgiveness and bitterness.
These same “concerned” Christians are often quick to judge a faithful spouse’s heart and slow–if ever–to actually judge the cheater’s wicked actions.
The genuinely concerned and godly Christians are the ones concerned about the hostilities ceasing towards the faithful spouse first and foremost.
It is difficult–if not impossible–to forgive someone who continues to sin against you without stop. This is often the case with many cheaters. They continue lying and cheating even after getting caught.
Pushing for forgiveness in such situations is both premature and ungodly, in my professional opinion (see Luke 17:3).
We ought to forgive and root out any roots of bitterness. However, God tells us a season exists for all things under heaven (see Ecclesiastes 3:1).
The question is whether or not this is the right “season” to forgive.
The wise and godly Christian answers this question first before inquiring about a faithful spouse’s forgiveness status. They do not simply apply the exhortation to forgive to every season as if timing does not matter to God.
Yes this. I am in Divorce Care and forgiveness is preached endlessly and relentlessly. I get it. The leaders do not want us to harbor hate and bitterness. But they really do gloss over adultery. It is very frustrating at times.
My cheater was evil and cruel and did gas lighting and exposed me to HPV. So yea, a lot to forgive and in my time I will do so.
But DC couches forgiveness in being for my good – my health- me.
Eventually yes, but I need to process the adultery and all the stuff first.
Yes, I agree that Divorce Care falls into the trap of over-emphasizing forgiveness. In my opinion, the curriculum is harder on faithful spouses than cheaters.
That said, I DO appreciate what they offer and an grateful for the support I received through the groups I attended. It is better than nothing, IMO. They do offer some good information as well.
Joan, my wife and I lead DC groups for six years. I share your feeling that it is over-emphasized in that program. Forgiveness is important, but it cannot be rushed or coerced. Forgiveness is not appropriate while someone is actively twisting a knife in your back.
We eventually gave up on DivorceCare. I found myself regularly qualifying their teaching or substituting alternate materials. We used a secular program for a season. Still looking for a curriculum that works well in general populace but has a place for faith aspects.
I attend a Divorcecare class and I guess I have good facilitators. The curriculum does teach on forgiveness, but my facilitators have encouraged us to walk through the process knowing one day it will come; and to remember that releasing the bitterness and hatred and anger is good for me not concerned about the cheater.
In my divorcecare class I feel the facilitators have been understanding not pushing people into “forgiveness”.
Thanks for the comments. There is much good about DivorceCare. I have met some great friends and gotten some wonderful insight into healing and looking for red flags should I ever get into another relationship.
I do think healing cannot be hurried nor can forgiveness. It is a process. I would say my prevailing emotion now is sadness and I see that is todays post. I am 7 months divorced and 17 months D Day. I get sad when I think my X and I will not take our granddaughter anywhere together. I get sad when I see fathers and daughter and fathers and sons and know my X has not seen his son in over a year. Sad. His own child. He choses his AP over his own kids. Who does that?
He is with his new love now – replaced me and the kids. It is beyond sad.
We will be ok but gosh I cannot believe I picked this guy to marry and spent 32 years with him. He was a decent guy until he wasn’t.