Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us….
-Romans 8:33-34a, NLT
What faithful spouses need more than spiritual advice are people willing to listen to them without condemnation.
Faithful spouses are recovering from multiple traumas, soul rape. The losses are huge. The suffered injustices are many.
The last thing we need is to have so-called Christian fellowship and support offered to us on the condition that our emotions are “right” or we are doing “forgiveness” right.
In my considerable experience from this website, I have noticed that faithful spouses are introspective to a fault. We will mull things over to our own detriment finding fault in ourselves when none is really there.
A healing, Christian community and/or pastor does not facilitate this unhelpful tendency.
They refuse to allow the faithful spouse to shoulder shame and blame that is not theirs to own.
A true Christian brother or sister stops out such false guilt, shame, and blame wherever it is found.
They refuse to let the faithful spouse feel bad over having righteous anger–like being angry over being cheated on and lied to.
They refuse to allow her take partial blame for her husband’s infidelity and abandonment.
They refuse to tolerate other Christians judging and condemning the victims of adultery.
Faithful spouses do not need “correction plans.” Their healing does not need your judgment as if God teaches performance as the admission into His loving embrace.
They need your loving embrace.
Not someone who is assessing them:
“What have you learned from this?” or “Have you really forgiven him?” or “Do you really want that bitterness to take root?”
Faithful spouses generally do a “good” job beating themselves up over these things. They do not need another person so swing the condemning switch against their souls.
What they need is a “safe” person and a “safe” community who cares enough to sit with them in the discomfort that comes in being present during times of real injustice and great loss.
Divorce Minister, I do hope you write a book. I will certainly buy a copy for my ex-pastor. From the very beginning, when I caught my ex out on a drinks date with a very newly divorced (he’s a predator) former coworker. Our pastor talked with my husband for FOUR hours. Asking him if I was a nag (I’m not and never was – just the opposite!), asking how much sex we had, what kind of wife and mom I was, how well I took care of him, etc. Everything was about me and my lack that he was looking for to justify my husband cheating. Instead of focusing on muscles character and sin problems, he was looking for fault in me! And like you said, I have always been introspective and trying to improve myself and be a better wife and mom. I spent years and years trying to fix and better myself to keep my husbands interest in me instead of all the women he works with. I never ever told anyone anything, so going to our pastor for help was a call for help. I never would have thought a Christian pastor would blame me for my husband’s lying and cheating. And sadly, I’m sure he’ll do it again if someone comes to him for help. Maybe he’d only understand if his wife cheated on him.
I’m on page 82 of my rough manuscript…
Well, take your time and make it perfect (not that it wouldn’t be!) Your voice and counsel is much needed. There are so many of us out there being blamed for our spouses lying, cheating and infidelity. It’s not right at all! And in the beginning I took the blame like I took the blame in the past for everything else in the past. I spent a good two months after catching him out on a date, trying even HARDER to be a better wife. That was our first “homework” assignment from the pastor during counseling. Make a list of things that we each could do to be a better spouse. I struggled to find things to write down, but I wrote down stupid stuff like, “Make Cheater a lunch to take to work” and “Learn how to make more fish for dinner.” I was at a loss for what else to do to make this man happy! The Cheater wrote down a list of stuff that he was going to do, but never did one thing on the list! He started the smear campaign behind my back at work (telling co-workers that I was “crazy” and other lies – come to find out from Chump Lady that this is very common for cheaters to say about their spouses when they are going to discard them.), so of course he wouldn’t do anything to work on a marriage he didn’t want anymore because he wanted to be with his AP. I’m sorry I write so much on your blog, but I appreciate you taking the time to write to us each day and for reading what we write back to you. This whole thing has shaken my faith to the core. I keep coming here to read and reread what you’ve written. I keep telling myself that God with serve justice in the end and he will not get away with everything he’s done to be for over 20 years. God cannot be mocked! I feel mocked at and a fool at times for believing all the lies he told me even starting before we got married. I just didn’t know that there were people out there that can be so “nice” and play the Christian part, but can be so deceptive at the same time. Thank you, Divorce Minister. I actually read you more than Chump Lady now. 🙂
Martha, you are a Sweetheart. Of course you did those things for your husband because you are a true Christian Woman! Don’t ever feel bad for coming on here and sharing things. We care!
These men are just selfish people who will one day have regrets in their life. I hear that from my parents now as their was infidelity on both their parts!
For me personally it helps to come on hear and share.
The other woman in my husbands case, just preached in her church. We know the Pastor. Anyway, I listened. He posted on his church FB page. I wrote New Age under it. He has seen it and asked on their why I think so. I’m sure her and her husband have seen it too!
I told my husband I did that and didn’t care. I probably wouldn’t have given it the time of day if I didn’t care to check her stuff because she probably had an affair with my husband. Pretty sure it’s over but I can’t seem to move on.
This stuff makes us all a little crazy for now but honestly- we have God on our side!!
Im a little nervous over the backlash of what could happen as a result of what I wrote and don’t really feel the need to explain this woman’s new age teaching to this young pastor who lets her preach at times.
Good luck with the backlash, Marie, and thanks for listening. I listen and read everyone’s comments too. I think there’s much healing in sharing our stories and hearing others stories.
Thanks for posting Martha. I appreciate what DM says also. I read CL too. But I know the Biblical perspective is what matters in the end. I have turned my X over to God. He is a pretty awful man right now. Totally ignoring his adult kids. Living with his AP. His discard and treatment of me was so cruel. Married 32 years.
God is just. I rest in that.
Joan, I am so sorry! Yes, God cares!!
Joan, Yes, I totally agree that the biblical perspective and what God says is all that really matters in the end. That’s what I keep telling myself. God will have the last word on this and his justice will be perfect compared to what I’d like to do. I wish I could get to the place of turning my ex over to God. I hope to get to that place some day. I just have so much anger towards him, the whore he cheated on me with (sorry if we are not allowed to use the “w” word here, Divorce Minister! – I’m not sure what else word to use as lady doesn’t even come close), his “Christian” family that turned on me because I really do believe they think I did something to cause this and also my ex-church who have turned a blind eye to all his lying, cheating and even commuting adultery as he was dating and sleeping with her just after I moved out and we were married at the time and we would be married for another 11 months after I move out. As I’ve told DM, this has all done a number on my faith and especially the church. I never thought it would turn out like this. It boggles my mind! I’m sorry that you ex is ignoring his kids. That is truly awful! That is the one thing my ex hasn’t done. He used to ignore them ALL THE TIME most of their life, but after we told them he wanted a divorce (he tried to say “we” wanted a divorce, but I shut that down quick and said it was HIM that wanted to divorce) he started spending all this time with the kids. Normally after dinner he’d work all night and pretty much ignore us. Well, after divorce news he started hanging around the kids all night. Playing cards with our daughter. Or watching TV shows with them that used to be beneath him. I knew what he was up to. Image management. Trying to get the kids to think he wasn’t a bad dad. Well, he doesn’t fool me and he doesn’t fool God either!!! I’m sure his girlfriend thinks he’s the best dad in the world! Little does she know how negligent he was most of their lives. This is all for show and it’s all to make sure the kids don’t hate his for what he did to me and what he did to our beautiful family. Like you said. God is just. I keep thinking my ex is getting away with everything, because it really looks like he has. He really has here on earth. But only God knows what’s waiting for him in the future and in the after-life.