A reader of the blog wrote a response to my post entitled: “Gospel Witness and Divorce.” It is worth a more detailed examination as it highlights common approaches to and confusion surrounding divorce after adultery in the evangelical subculture. I am grateful, Pete, wrote such a thoughtful and respectful response to my post.
Here’s what he wrote:
Biblically, the only stated ground for divorce is infidelity and even in these cases, it seems clear that God would rather us remain together. But, He provides the “out clause” of adultery because He knows that we are not as strong as Him and may not be capable of offering that sort of radical forgiveness and grace. Reasonable minds may also be able to differ as to whether (physical, mental or spiritual) abuse should be included as another legitimate ground for divorce. But, that is not my point for the time being.
In a Christian marriage, we commit to loving the other person through the thick and thin, no matter the circumstances and we commit to loving and looking out for our spouse over and above our own interests. Husbands in particular are told to love their wives as Christ loves the church. This is a tremendous charge, for God repeatedly forgives our transgressions, idolatry and waywardness on a daily basis despite how much it breaks his Heart to see us forsake Him. This capacity to forgive is truly divine and something no person could ever achieve, particularly on such a repetitive basis. But, we are called to try to imitate this love and radical forgiveness by becoming grace incarnate to our spouses when they disrespect, hurt, and even abuse or cheat on us in our marriages.
So, when have we forgiven too many times? Never. Jesus specifically said that we should never time of forgiving (77 x 7, etc.) and that wouldn’t we rather be hurt than to hurt another. Then, he modeled it Himself by dying on the cross.
Forgiveness is one thing, but at what point is a husband relieved from having to try and work on the relationship with a wife who is in that abusive ‘tearful apology’ cycle? Such a statement sounds so paradoxical to me in many ways. Of course, I understand that forgiveness does not have to be followed by reconciliation, trust or working on the relationship together again in the future. But if she is willing to work on it, then should he always be more concerned with her interests and spiritual standing than his own? Trust does not grow immediately from forgiveness and in fact it may not ever return again so what sort of relationship can even be rebuilt from the ashes?
My question revolves around when a spouse should feel as though they have offered enough forgiveness and grace so that they can feel (eternally) justified that they have lived up to their marital commitments to their spouse and God.
If you ever give up on your marriage, you will seemingly fail to meet God’s standard and His hope that we will imitate Him, personifying his Grace to a wayward spouse and a fallen world. Isn’t it very possible that this love and personification of God’s grace is a greater good than avoiding the pain/difficulty of a broken, even a repeatedly broken marriage? I don’t want to be a martyr in my marriage, but might showing that sort of grace be precisely the sort of counter-cultural love that God wants from us?
-Pete
Dear Pete,
Much of the main Ephesians 5 passage issues about husbands loving their wives as Christ the Church, I tackle in my post entitled: “Not A Submission Or Leadership Failure” (link here). However, I suspect you are already aware of the important distinctions I raise frequently on this blog for you wrote:
Of course, I understand that forgiveness does not have to be followed by reconciliation, trust or working on the relationship together again in the future.
Trust or restoration of the marriage and forgiveness are separate issues entirely. While you are correct in highlighting the Christian duty to forgive with practically no limit, forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation or trusting another person again. For example, a rape victim may forgive her rapist, but it would be unwise for her to trust him again–especially, if this person continues the “blame the rape survivor” for the rape narrative!
As I argue in my post: “Adultery Is Soul Rape,” I see adultery as spiritual rape. This position comes from how I read Scripture and from my own experience as a survivor of this heinous sin. I think it is instructive in these conversations about adultery and divorce to keep this spiritual truth in mind about what adultery is–i.e. soul rape.
When Christians talk about such sins as rape or murder, we may extol victims/victim families for forgiving the perpetrator, and we accept as common sense that consequences flow from such crimes regardless of that forgiveness. We do not insist the survivors become besties with the perpetrator, and we certainly do not ask them to continue a relationship with the perpetrator when that perpetrator has demonstrated only contempt for them. This is common sense as well. I do not think God wants us to check our brains at the door when it comes to adultery just because a marriage is now involved.
But I digress from the focus question you raise:
My question revolves around when a spouse should feel as though they have offered enough forgiveness and grace so that they can feel (eternally) justified that they have lived up to their marital commitments to their spouse and God.
Honestly, I cannot answer this question for you or anyone on visiting this website. And it is a good question to consider prior to divorcing a spouse in light of adultery. Will I be at peace before God in doing this? I do not want to impose my convictions on anyone and thereby violate anyone’s conscience on this matter. Each faithful spouse must decide this question on their own.
However, I do not agree with the traditional evangelical interpretation of Ephesians 5 that suggests unlimited opportunities for reconciliation/restoration between a husband and a wife ravaged by adulteries. Besides the obvious example of God choosing to divorce Israel, His covenant people, over adulteries (Jeremiah 3:8), precedence exists in the New Testament as well showing that God does not give infinite chances to commit adultery without consequences.
Hebrews 6:4-8 talks about how people enlightened and sharing in the Holy Spirit have fallen away and thereby will be sent to Hell (i.e. burned like cursed thorns and thistles!). These are Christians the writer of Hebrews is addressing here. Obviously, he sees a situation where Christ will divorce–i.e. send to Hell–part of his Bride, these apostates, and not forever extend grace and forgiveness. More examples exist in Scripture than this one about God taking a hard stance on choosing other “lovers” than Him.
Divorce takes the decision of one person to make happen. Marriage takes the decisions of two people to keep. God does not hold us responsible for another person’s choice. And I see a God throughout Scripture who is very respectful of humanity’s free will even to the point where He angrily and tearfully allows humanity to choose adulterers and adulteresses over Him.
I see nothing wrong or ungodly about making such a sinful choice official by divorcing an adulteress/adulterer.
God did it Jeremiah’s day, and so, can we today.
God did not call us to be doormats.
Blessings!
DM
Something that concerned me is when the writer says:
If you ever give up on your marriage, you will seemingly fail to meet God’s standard and His hope that we will imitate Him, personifying his Grace to a wayward spouse and a fallen world.
The reality is, when dealing with infidelity, the spouse who cheats has already given up on the marriage. The victim just doesn’t know it’s over yet. So, those of us who are survivors of infidelity, as far as I’m concerned, never gave up on our marriages, regardless of how many times we forgive. That decision was already made for us, without our voice or choice. Walking away is only stepping towards the acceptance of that reality.
I agree Sandcastle. I would add that we will always fail trying to meet God’s standard and hope of imitating him. That’s why Christ had to come to begin with. That doesn’t mean we just stop trying of course, but as you said, with infidelity the cheater has already given up. I’ll also add that while Christ still stays with the church, with Israel, after the countless repeated adulteries we daily make, there are still consequences. Using the Israelites with Moses as example, they worshipped a golden calf and then were killed. And then when led to the promised land they chickened out and then weren’t allowed to enter until that initial group that was promised the land was dead. God stayed with the Israelites yes, but there were generations that forfeited what was promised them b/c of their actions. God started over and fulfilled his promises with new generations, not the ones that were initially promised it. Infidelity forfeits and destroys the marriage that existed.
I agree with Sandcastlefaith. We did not make the choice to blow up our marriages.
I would also like to share with Pete, and others, that when I found out about the infidelity, I immediately said that our marriage was over, and started looking for divorce attorneys. I didn’t have a job, had stayed at home for over a decade, and seemingly, the deck was stacked against me. I have been well taken care of during this divorce process. Just when things look bleak and hopeless, something will come along–a windfall of some sort and I will have the support and resources that I need. Or, I will find a sign that God is watching and looking over me. It is in those private, quiet, moments I know I made the right decision to not reconcile and to leave the relationship in light of the sin.
Have faith, Pete. God will show you the right path to take. Just be sure to take time to listen.