Even half a decade removed, I continue to consider my ex-wife’s two lives baffling.
The woman I thought I married in 2006, and the woman who committed adultery against me in 2012 are not compatible in my mind.
How do you go from an active, committed evangelical leader in college to a woman professing her adulterous relationship as irrelevant to her marriage to me?
In the end, I have to trust the later sinful actions speak louder than the earlier professions of commitment and faith. But that does not necessarily mean the discord goes away.
So, I am willing to extend grace to old mutual friends who struggle similarly with the discord.
I have had a front row seat to the unveiling of the later character. They may only have heard whispers of her existence.
That said, I am not interested in investing my time and emotions in relationships that continue to cling to the first person when they’ve been told about the person revealed through adultery and lies.
Life is too short, and my heart is too precious.
But I since I was shocked and still consider the experience a bit surreal, I can empathize with old mutual friends who feel similarly.
It is truly hard to reconcile the two unless you are willing to accept the former was merely an illusion:
The nice Christian spouse was never really and deeply committed to Christ and His teachings after all.
But admitting you were fooled is difficult to do.
Admitting to oneself that the wool was pulled over your eyes is one of the hardest parts. So incredibly hard.
That’s when we over analyze the months, years prior. In my divorce group, the teacher said there are always red flags. And the analytical me, scrutized each moment, looking for said flags. The time on the train in CA on my babymoon when he checked his phone and his entire demeanor changed. Duh red flag…..now in hindsight. Now years removed, I say screw all that. I refuse to critique each moment of that life looking for some “red flag”. I trusted my ex husband and my marriage. I should not have to live in wonder of him being unfaithful, especially when we were on a baby honeymoon, let alone at any time we were married.
I am not at place to yet to extend grace and mercy to those who knew and chose to turn a blind eye or those who were so bold to say “I’m rooting for you”. That was my husband. There was no race to win.
I pray that one day that I will be able to offer them the grace and mercy God offers each of us and accept them in my life again. Until then, I’ll continue reading DM and keep the Switzerland friends out of my life.
Sounds wise for your current season, Lemon_b. I, too, think it is wise to keep Switzerland friends out of our lives permanently. It is those who have not decided to permanently join that camp of whom I speak. They are still processing the awful news.