“68% of divorce cases involve one party meeting a new paramour over the internet….”
–“Internet pornography by the numbers; a significant threat to society” by Webroot
Divorce and infidelity are strongly linked.
Treating infidelity as a minor issue while focusing on divorce as the major issue ignores this sociological fact. It also ignores the Bible’s emphasis on teaching against adultery in both the Old and New Testaments.
About seven out of ten marriages ending in divorce include infidelity as part of the picture! That is what this statistic tells us.
That is a lot of cheating.
Such a statistic tells me that the majority of the divorced people in the pews either cheated or were cheated upon on the way to their divorce. Marital infidelity is a real and significant problem!
That said, how many of my readers, I wonder, have ever heard a sermon preached primarily upon the topic of marital infidelity?
The conservative evangelical world is all hot and bothered about LGBTQ issues having drawn a line in the sand over the matter by making The Nashville Statement.
But where is their passion and outrage over the threat marital infidelity is posing to our families and communities? Where is their Anti-Adultery Statement?
This blog exists because pastors and other Christian leaders are so silent on the matter of marital infidelity. Or if they are not, too often they provide shaming and unbiblical counsel that harms faithful spouses more.
Pastors, marital infidelity is a BIG issue! You can pretend that is not and avoid teaching on the matter.
I have been feeling angry about this topic. A couple of months ago the theme of the service was revenge. The rector was delivering his sermon. On the screen he had a picture of a car with the words ‘I hope she was worth it’ spray painted on the side. He then went on to say in a jokey way that this should be a warning to all the men in the congregation.
I have mostly had good support from my church but this just doesn’t sit right with me. When I brought it up with friends from church they just say that he wouldn’t have been thinking about me when I wrote the sermon and that he wouldn’t have meant to upset me. Last weeks sermon was on forgivness but never once was repentence mention just simply forgive others or God won’t forgive you.
People can be so stupid and insensitive. I’m sorry Emma that you would have to listen to that.
Most people will never understand the trauma that is involved when a spouse cheats.
Sorry to hear that, Emma. The sense I get is most pastors are blind to how their words impact faithful spouses unless they are trying to manipulate them into “forgiveness” and “reconciliation.” Why? Then they can brag about how many marriages that they “saved.” Or they are simply oblivious and ill-equipped to deal with these situations.
As to your friends’ response, they may or may not be right. It might be worth talking to that rector. He would benefit from sensitivity training from you if you are willing to speak up. A mature rector would take that as a gift. “When you gave the example about the car, did you realize how that made me feel as a woman cheated upon? I felt….”
The thing is he knew the marriage was not going to be saved. His wife was the one who was advocating for reconciling. He helped me a lot when I was struggling with the whole divorce thing. He did mention to me that a gf had repeatedly cheated on him whilst they were at uni. I think he believed that his experience then was the same as mine with my x. He didn’t seem to bothered about what had happened. He didn’t see the difference in the level of relationship that he had with that gf and I had with my x husband. He also knows x and therefore believes that he is still the person who he pretended to be. They all believe that he will regret what he has done and realise he has made a mistake. They don’t understand that it is his character that is the problem and that he will most likely never admit that he is to blame and take responsibility for his actions.
Emmma,
I agree. Being cheated on while dating is a far cry from being cheated on by a spouse who has exchanged solemn vows with you before God. While some of the experience ought to help him to relate somewhat to you, he ought to understand that the consequences are much more severe for the innocent party when marriage is involved.
My guess is that they might be trying to avoid letting go of the relationship with your ex. That is not the healthiest environment for us to heal–i.e. among people trying to straddle the fence sending mixed signals about how serious the sin of adultery actually is. Sorry to hear that seems to be where they find themselves.
-DM
That is my observation as well.
TD Jakes announcing the restoring of Chris Hill, is a another example of how the focus is on the cheaters. Hill is “healed & restored” in a matter of a few months. He is already back in ministry. YIKES!!
There’s been no word on how his victims are doing. (Healing from abuse takes a lot longer than a few months.) If they’re still with the church, the leadership is probably pushing forgiveness & the shared responsibility lie.
X hasn’t stepped foot back at church since he left us. I don’t think he would dare now as he wouldn’t get a good reception from many of the congregation. After d-day a few members tried to contact him but they did it in a friendly way not in the way it tells you to in the Bible. He was more interested in continuing in sin with the OW anyway. I think being pregnant has helped to minimise the amount of people who believe the shared responsibility lie. His affair occurred around Christmas and the time we were announcing my pregnancy to everyone. He was active in church during this time and people were hugging him to congratulate him and he was talking to them about it.
I have a good relationship with the rector but he can be a bit insensitive so I don’t know how he will take it. I have been called too sensitive by him before so I’m not sure what his response will be.
If you already are pretty certain about how he will respond (i.e. being insensitive by calling you “over sensitive”), then I wouldn’t bother. Save yourself the grief.