Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses.
-Proverbs 27:6, NIV
I was incredibly naive prior to experiencing my first wife’s adultery and abandonment. Very naive! And I am thankful for the friends God put in my path who gave me the proverbial “wake-up whack” when I needed it.
While being blunt, they were kind to point out places where I had been too willing to compromise turning a blind-eye.
One friend listened as I told him about my (now ex) wife’s favorite hobby of going out drinking with her “girlfriends” at night multiple times a week without me. He told me straight up that such is not wise behavior for a married woman. It is the behavior of a woman who is living as if she were single. He agreed with me that I was had been foolish not to put my foot down and point this problematic behavior out to my (now ex) wife.
As if that was not bad enough, that conversation happened months after telling incidents from her drinking seen. One of those incidents happened at a party with this same group of her female (single) friends. I remember coming up from the downstairs at the same place after watching a sports game only to see my (now ex) wife club dancing with another man.
I was sooo naive!
I believed her lines that it was just an isolated incident.
Yeah…right.
I know better now.
That friend did more than just help me realize how drinking at clubs regularly without your spouse is highly unwise. He also gave me pep talks to draw boundaries and take my (now ex) wife at her word enforcing the choice she made. My buddy helped me lovingly but firmly confront even though it meant the confrontation made my (now ex) wife furious. I am very grateful for those talks even though he was blunt. He helped me grow a backbone.
Another friend helped me see that living in marriage limbo is not healthy. She pointed out to me about how it was cruel to dangle divorce in front of me and yank it away while not seriously engaging in rebuilding the marriage. I remember her telling me that my (now ex) wife ought to either file or stop with the divorce talk. She was right even though at the time I was desperate for my marriage to survive and willing to put up with my (now ex) wife toying with me through continuing this “dangling marriage hope game.” Little did either of us–my friend or I–know at the time but my (now ex) wife was already involved with her adultery partner.
My friend’s advice was sound even though it was tough to face the facts.
I needed friends like these two who were willing to point out the facts.
Whack me with the truth, so to speak!
The quicker one comes to grips with these difficult truths, the better equip one is to move forward whatever the marriage outcome.
Denying reality does no one any good.
We are called to walk in the light and truth even if those are difficult truths.
So, these two individuals–among others–were true friends.
And I thank God for them.
I hope you have such friends in your life as well!
Right on, DM. If I have learned anything in my slow healing….Christ walked in the truth and was condemned to the most humiliating death available at the time. And He overcame that death. Walking in the freedom of truth is preferable to the death that fear introduces. My fear of avoiding the truth of my spouse s choices were subjecting me to a cruel, incredibly torturous and slow death. It gave him power he abused freely.
Thank you for your ministry here. Posts like this one are exactly what I needed to hear. You are not alone as I refused to see the truth even with a mountain of evidence in front of me. With your help and God’s, I am learning to enforce my boundaries and overcome the fear that has allowed the infidelity to go on much too long. Your posts have helped me learn that I need to trust God’s plan for me even when His plan doesn’t fit my plan. Thanks, and may God continue to bless your ministry here.
Welcome, Rob!
Glad you found your way here and thank you for your kind words. It’s so true that our plans are not God’s. He can take the sins of others and redeem them (I do NOT believe God is ever the author of evil or sin, btw). Just think of Joseph from the time of his dream and all those years later. Slavery, false imprisonment, lies, and broken promises…years worth of this to only become one of the most powerful men in the world. But I bet how he got there was not what he imagined when he first got those dreams as a young man.
God is faithful even when it seems He is not. And He is awfully good in making amazing stories for those who are willing to trust Him! He is bigger than our fears.
God Bless,
DM
Mom three,
I think facing the truth is hard because of the fear indeed. The losses seem so gigantic and real. It is harder to see the losses we are already enduring when in the midst of it. Glad you are seeing the truth and how holding to your fears gives power to someone who is willing to abuse it.
-DM
I wish I had had friends like yours, DM, although I’m doubtful I would have listened. My entire family disliked my STBX but my daughter kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt simply because I loved him. Eventually she bravely told me that it was my choice whether to get back together with him or not, but that she was absolutely through with him. For a while I tried living a double life half with him and half with them but I knew that was not a sustainable situation. His cheating put an end to that very inconvenient life style! I will never allow someone to split me in half like that again.
Wow! Such a relatable post! I was so naive too. I thought my husband was depressed and he would snap out of it. Unfortunately, most of my friends agreed with me because they could not believe his behavior either. Then I went to a counselor and she “smacked’ me out of this way of thinking by telling me my husband wasn’t depressed or having a midlife crisis. Instead she told me he was a disordered human being and I needed to be careful. She saw something instantly that took me months to see and accept. Fortunately, my friends are now seeing the light too and they do push me back into reality when I start wandering away from the truth. This blog and Chump Lady help stay in the light with my eyes wide open too. Thank you DM!
Thanks for your kind words, BHB. Glad you had/have a solid and wise counselor in your life.