Meanwhile, Zacchaeus stood before the Lord and said, “I will give half my wealth to the poor, Lord, and if I have cheated people on their taxes, I will give them back four times as much!”
-Luke 19:8, NLT
Sorry is a beginning.
A true sorry is one backed by actions demonstrating an effort to make amends–aka restitution.
We can see this principle at work when it comes to some stores:
At one place I know, you can bring back some spoiled produce to the store. They then let your get a new carton of produce and refund you the money.
They understand this principle of restitution and a generous apology.
You can imagine how that helps repair an otherwise fractured relationship with that store. It makes me want to continue shopping and buying produce there. I know they will treat me well if I end up with bad product.
Cheaters and pastors can learn from this store:
The store does not blame me for picking the “wrong carton” with bad blueberries, for example. A “sorry (that stinks for you but that is as far as my sorry goes)” is not delivered. Instead, they apologize, refund my money, and send me back for a replacement.
Faithful spouses were cheated out of a lot!
A repentant cheater understands this. A wise pastor understands this. A prudent Christian counselor gets this.
A true sorry from a cheater needs to come with an effort to make up for what they took from their partner as far as possible. Zacchaeus restored it fourfold.
-I have heard of pastors who lost their jobs because their spouse cheated and abandoned them. The ex-wife ought to restore money that stole from them.
-I have heard of women whose husbands abandoned them cheating and leaving them as stay at home mothers with no income. The repentant cheater would put money behind their sorry for those mothers.
-I have heard of faithful spouses spending incredible amounts of money just to have reasonable time with their children. The repentant and truly sorry cheater would restore those funds and give them that time without a fight.
What discourages me about many Christian pastors is how often they teach faithful spouses to accept less than this. The shiny object of “intact” families distracts them from real repentance and this vital need for a genuine reconciliation.
Sorry is just a start.
A truly sorry person is like Zaccheaus who was willing to put into action restitution. He paid it back four times. The store paid it back twice. But I suspect most of us would be happy if our cheater even just paid it back once.
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I’m not even sure what type of amends a cheater could do. I’ve heard plenty of I’m sorrys but no actions that line up with it and I’m not sure what they would look like.
It is a very context dependent answer. A good start is to share the truth and end all secrets. Pay back what was spent on the ‘lover.’
She says that.money was “her” money even still. She did answer everything I asked her, whether it was truthful is another question.
Well, there you have how “sorry” she is. Not really.
Yep, my ex had more money saved up when we entered the marriage. So, everything was more “his” even though we were both working full time making approximately the same amount.
Hi. I posted before as someone who was a cheater, and wants to be repentant. I disclosed all the dirt in my closet. The cheating and other dishonest things I did. I want to be generous to my spouse, but I feel her anger is so intense that she is trying to destroy me in court. Her anger is leading her to wanting to prohibit the kids from seeing me, and wanting so much support that I can’t meet my bills. She has every right to be angry. I want to be generous, and I don’t want to fight her… but I am scared. I still want time with my kids and enough to live on. Any advice on how I should treat her,
No silver bullet here. I do not advocate punishing a cheater by taking away the kids’ time with him or her. That is not wise and may backfire on the faithful spouse. The goal is to be generous with her, but I get that you feel called to fight for some time with the kids. That is good and understandable.
Again though, there may be more to this scenario. First, support is generally a court formula these days. Divorce is disastrous financially for avg folks. Neither party may feel able to survive on what is ordered. Common. A spouse can be angry and also determined to get what he/she is entitled to. One doesn’t affect the other. Or shouldn’t! I’m sorry about the children part. Truly. But I’ve also seen that many times there is another side to that perspective too. Simply put, every case is a fingerprint. Too many details unknown. I’m not trying to be cynical, just saying… I know many cases when the slightest honest contention for what is fair was seen as revenge of the scorned. Just make sure that’s not what is going on, at least a little bit. Another thought… age of children matters. Are they traumatized? Confused? Are there logistical hurdles? Of course she’s angry, but it’s just as believable that the anger is separate from what she is being advised to do. Just food for thought. Then again, there are some horribly vengeful people out there.
You give good examples of restitution which demonstrates a genuine sorrow or repentance. Unlike taxes, it is fairly impossible to pay back for adulterous behavior, in my case decades of it. But doing a few tough things as you mention goes a long way. More intangible ways are: willingly answering questions the faithful spouse might have. For only a season perhaps, but he or she is owed that. Watch… the unrepentant insincere offender will be more than reluctant; or, never demanding immediate forgiveness… paying the restitution of patience; or, if there is possible reconciliation, being fully willing to be traceable 24/7, to live in an atmosphere of distrust for as long as it takes! there are many more intangible ways to offer at least partial restitution. Watch for these signs. If they’re not there, be very careful!!!
I have done all of these things CB and it has done nothing to lessen her anger.