A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
-Proverbs 17:22, NIV
Much of the suffering faithful spouses experience is spiritual in nature.
Writing this blog for a couple of years, the questions I encounter center around deep spiritual pain and confusion. These are not so much the nuts and bolts of therapy.
These questions cut to the heart of sin, evil, forgiveness, grief, reconciliation, and–generally speaking–right relationship to God.
People want to know if God will hold their divorce of a cheater against them.
People want to know if God is fine with the cheater because the cheater says God forgives them (without evidence of the cheater’s repentance).
People want to know what to do with those telling them that they have to take their cheater back like Hosea did Gomer.
These are questions for true pastors. Just reflecting back, “What do you think?” is not good enough!!
I created this blog to be a forum for such shepherding of souls. Pastors with unbiblical divorce prejudice are still too common. These are those who treat divorce as always wrong and push “The Shared Responsibility Lie,” which means they blame faithful partners for the sins of cheaters.
And some well-meaning pastors simply are not equipped or informed to provide the vital help faithful spouses (and cheaters) need.
They recognize that they dare not enter this world, which is much better than those who think they know something and project further damage upon the already traumatized spouse.
I write this simply to remind my brother and sister ministers that faithful spouses need your voice!
They are suffering on a spiritual level. A good therapist can only go so far with them.
They need someone who understands God’s heart towards them. This is a confusing time and having someone who can spot destructive lies about God (and others) is critical to healing.
Being cheated upon and divorced by an adulterous partner are not simply emotional traumas. They cut to our spiritual core. So, such experiences need to be processed at that level.
An experienced and trained pastor is best positioned to help the spiritually traumatized through those tricky waters. So, do not “jump ship” when that ship needs the steadying hand of a seasoned spiritual navigator.
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*A version of this post ran previously.
Quoted from Dr. Henry Cloud:
When we feel hurt and anger over what happens to us, we need to respond to our pain correctly. The Bible tells us about the importance of dealing appropriately with sadness. It talks about how to deal with anger. It explains how suffering refines us. (See Romans, Ecclesiastes and Hebrews) But nowhere does the Bible say that the pain that results from an act against you is sin.
Nowhere. Yet in some Christian circles, victims of abuse or divorce are told that, because they feel pain from past hurts, they are somehow not appropriating the suffering of the gospel — and are therefore sinning. To blame victims for their pain is a sin against the wounded, against the brokenhearted, against the oppressed; it is a sin against God himself, whose heart is with those who hurt.
Nowhere does scripture tell us to confront the wounded. It tells us instead to love them. Admonition, we are told, should be reserved for those who are unruly or rebellious.
Too often the church confronts hurting people about their pain instead of treating them with kindness and compassion. Because of this false message, the wounded person forsakes God and the church.
Good quote.