This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.
-John 3:19, NIV
The Warped World of Cheaters
When you have trouble admitting truth, your grip with reality will become looser and looser. Along with that loosening grip, your world will become warped.
This is part of the reason I believe cheaters are such “good” liars. They ACTUALLY believe what they are spewing forth even though it may contradict facts and reality.
Unfortunately, the faithful spouse can find themselves caught up in this world warp. I am convinced I was.
Looking back, I shake my head at how easily manipulated I was. Now, I don’t really blame myself as I trusted my (now ex) wife, and I was highly committed to keeping our marriage together.
Both commitments are not character flaws. But they were exploited.
In particular, I remember a time when my (now ex) wife had an emotionally inappropriate relationship, minimally, with another man.
She (and her family) had me convinced this inappropriate relationship only happened because of MY shortcomings in our marriage. It was a “cry for help.”
In other words, the warped world of this cheater taught that the aggressor–namely the cheater–was not responsible for the aggression. Instead, the victim “had it coming” for ____ (you fill in the blank for the pet marriage grievance).
The reality is that marriage circumstances do not cause infidelity. People making choices to cheat cause infidelity. And it is the person who made that sinful choice that is fully responsible for said sin (2 Corinthians 5:10).
A faithful spouse’s shortcomings–real or imagined–are irrelevant as it comes to addressing infidelity. The faithful spouse was not the agent making the poor choice to cheat. That is reality.
I am having trouble letting go of wanting to see my ex wife punished, legally, financially, and spiritually for her wrong doings. I want nothing more than to see her condemned to hell, despite me moving on phsyically and having dated other people for over a year. She lived (lives) in that alternate universe. She caused the breakup of our marriage, was abusive, and messed around emotionally and likely physically during our marriage. She invited a drug dealing criminal into our home (and allowed him to conduct business from our property) comitted fraud, and even after being fined by the judge for violating our divorce decree, she still claims to be the vicitim and wronged party in all of this.
When it’s fresh, I think most of us feel this way. It is a process of CHOOSING to give the punishing role to God. Feelings follow often after a LOT of such practice.
They seem to always play the victim card especially when faced with the consequences of their own choices/sins.
I think that’s why there is such a push for faithful spouse to “forgive”. If we forgive (according to their definition) they are free from all responsibility & consequences….I believe D. Bonhoeffer called that Cheap Grace.