“Well, what did you contribute to the breakdown of your marriage?”

I hate that question.

It is a “Loaded Question”–meaning it assumes you did something to destroy your marriage. Such questions are errors in reasoning–i.e. logical fallacies.

While the question looks reasonable, it is really just a dressed up version of “The Shared Responsibility Lie,” which says you are partially responsible for another’s marriage ending sins. This is not helpful for healing.

We can all grow through difficult experiences and learn from our dysfunction. No one is free from sin (I John 1:8). That is not the issue as I see it with this question.

My problem is how it assumes you had a role in the marriage “breaking down” or ending. That is blame language aimed at adultery victims.

I find it evil for that reason. The last thing adultery victims need is someone blaming them for their victimization–i.e. for being soul raped.

It is neither wise nor godly to ask this question of faithful spouses. In fact, it might set them back to a place where they are stuck in grief wondering if they had done something differently THAT would have stopped their spouse from cheating and thereby ending their marriage (SPOILER: NO, they don’t have that power to control their spouse’s sinful choices).

So, let’s stop asking this question.