What if pastors and Christian counselors had to pay a faithful spouse $10,000 or more if they were wrong about the cheating being over?!
In my opinion, faithful spouses who stay in marriages for subsequent infidelity discoveries are loosing more than just $10,000. They are loosing precious time, emotional well-being, and physical well-being (e.g. risk of contracting life-altering STDs from the cheater).
A Christian counselor and pastor are biased towards keeping the marriage intact.
Let’s be honest:
Would a pastor rather be known for
A) Rescuing faithful spouses via divorce from cheaters or
B) Being a miracle-worker who “saved” x-number of marriages?
I do not know of any pastor who openly preaches or shares about how they regularly help faithful spouses exit marriages from God-defying cheaters. Not one. (Present company excluded, of course.)
But I have heard pastors and Christian counselors preach or share openly about the marriages they “saved.”
Such a contrast in sharing reinforces–in my mind–the erroneous teaching that divorce is worse than the sins surrounding adultery.
I pose the opening thought experiment question because I bet more pastors and Christian counselors would hesitate more before pressuring a faithful spouse to take a cheater back. They would think twice before accepting a cheater’s profession of change at face value.
Further, such a guarantee would help counteract the inherit bias towards the “Pastor as Marriage Savior Complex” that is all too common. If they are wrong, they pay. So, false reconciliation efforts would cost them and not just the poor, duped faithful spouse.
This proposal will probably not happen. Too much money would be lost. But it is a good test to consider for those pastors wanting to do right by faithful spouses:
Would I encourage reconciliation with the cheating partner if I had to give $10K if she or he cheated again?
If the answer is “No,” then I would encourage you to act accordingly:
Do not counsel reconciliation!
To counsel reconciliation would be to put the faithful spouse knowing back at risk of further spiritual and emotional harm. And a good, loving shepherd would never knowingly do that to his beloved sheep.
*A version of this post ran previously.
Dear DM,
As I enter the holiday season, I find myself ruminating about the “never-we’re’s” and “never-will-be’s” that resulted from my ex-spouse’s abusiveness and cheating. It’s 3 years, 4 months since he left, and 2 years, 3 months since the divorce. During the autumn following the bombshell of discard and discovery, I felt so shattered and just wanted to cease to exist.
I didn’t want any of it, begged for God to take it away, and was so desperate that I considering wiping out my retirement account to pay for expensive “divorce-busting” one-on-one sessions or reconciliation “intensive” seminars. I took questionnaire’s to help the divorce busters determine how I drove my husband away (because it had to be my fault – not his choice).
This scrutiny made me confused because I didn’t see any options that fit but randomly chose nagging because my ex told me I did. The divorce busters pounced on this and sent links to point out how unloving I’d been. Imagine what a shrew I was by wanting my ex to help with yard work, shopping, or bill-paying.
Thank goodness I saved my money and let the sinner go on his way. It took so long to realize I was probably delivered from much worse by a loving God who knew better than I. I counsel folks to save their time and money. It’s not worth it.
Wanda M
My wife cheated on me for 13 years, multiple men. We have sought counseling from our pastor. A couple of weeks ago in is sermon, he addressed adultery and one of his comments was (to faithful spouses): “You may not have caused the adultery, but you played a part in it.” He further referenced getting the log out of your own eye before removing the speck another’s.
Am I wrong to be offended by this? I felt like another version of the shared responsibility lie. I would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.
Nope. Your pastor is theologically wrong. We are not responsible for another person’s sin. 2 Cor 5:10. Yes, his teaching is offensive and an example of The Shared Responsibility Lie.
If it was possible to do enough pick me dancing to keep another person faithful, almighty God would have been able to accomplish it. Instead, He had a massive problem with the Israelites being unfaithful. In Jeremiah 5:7, it even says that God fed them to the full (or supplied all their needs) yet they committed adultery. God doesn’t expect us to accomplish something He didn’t. He gives people the choice whether to be faithful or not and some choose to not be faithful.