Cheaters seem to thrive on cheating when their spouse is most vulnerable. This is yet another demonic pattern that I have noticed.
The vulnerable time might take multiple forms:
-Maybe the faithful spouse is in a fight for her life dealing with breast cancer?
-Maybe it is a faithful husband who just was fired from his job and is struggling to find employment in a bad economy?
-Maybe it is faithful wife who is pregnant or has just given birth to their child?
-Maybe it is a faithful spouse who gave up a career and was looking forward to retirement on the cheater’s pension?
This is another thing that makes cheating so evil. The one who is supposed to be our greatest human support at our most vulnerable instead turns out to be our biggest betrayer.
For me–as I see it–my ex-wife decided to attack me when I was most vulnerable in my career. Doubling down on this betrayal, her and her supporters would attack me for not having a good job. It was evil.
I don’t know what it is or was for you. However, I want to encourage you today:
You are not alone. Many of us have experienced such attacks in similarly vulnerable times. And the Evil One–who is really behind all of this–did not triumph over us.
We walked out with scars–true–but we walked out stronger.
I can testify that God positioned me to walk into a great career and later into a wonderful family with a wife who understands money isn’t everything.
Thanks very much for this. So many can appreciate the truth we find here. My husband started an emotional affair which I discovered before it became something more. My mother passed away the end of April and he initiated contact with her in May. My mother was barely in the ground. My Mom was my closest friend and died a paticularly cruel death with breast cancer.
My husband hooked up with a bimbo from the gym who was a serial cheater and has put her husband through a living hell already. I found out about it through phone records and almost couldnt breathe when I discovered her texts. My husband has damaged our relationship and family and wants me to act like nothing has happened. He was dating someone behind my back. Lied about every aspect of it and I still suspect there are things I dont know. I am at a loss of what to do bc technically they never prob got to the physical part but I believe the intention was there.
It is still cheating whether or not it went “physical.” Besides, intercourse is not the only thing that counts as physical, IMO. I take it very seriously and expect him to own this as completely wrong.
He has owned it as wrong. I found out they had been out on two occasions socially. I even found the receipt when he bought her lunch. I cannot help but think there is more I do not know. I am making him take a polygraph test. I am not even sure that will set my mind at rest bc this is so out of the realm of what I consider acceptable that I am not sure I can forgive it. Is it sinful for me to not want to forgive such behavior ? I am trying to put the needs of my child first but still feel uncomfortable about the situation.
Forgiveness and staying married to a cheater are two different things. It is wrong not to forgive if the person repents (see Luke 17:3). However, forgiveness does not equal an erasure of all consequences for said sins.
What is done cannot be undone. It will always be true that your husband cheated on you no matter what you decide going forward. For some, what he has done is enough to mean divorce. I would just encourage you to listen to your own conscience on the matter and remember having him face consequences is NOT the same as refusing to forgive him.
Thanks for that brutally honest response. It is really needed and somewhat rare.
I have heard people tell me I can forgive him even if it did result in a physical affair. My response is I cannot stay with someone who endangers my health and also gravely endangers the well being of my child.
I feel very torn about what to do. If I follow a strictly biblical interpretation then he has not committed adultery in which case divorce would be justified. But on the other hand it was my own intervention (and God’s) that probably prevented adultery from happening. I also feel I deserve someone who would not do this to me or my child. I humbly ask for God’s help in coming to a decision. Thanks so much for your feedback.
Are there any signs of Godly sorrow leading him to to repentance?
Has he disclosed information or has he just admitted to what he knows you already know?
He is def genuinely remorseful. He is deeply afraid of losing his family and his situation, life home etc. To me those things are superficial bc it is all built on the love and trust in the relationship.
IMO he has admitted to what I already know. He has only fessed up to things after I had been digging and discovered the truth. He only admitted to one meeting for coffee but I found out they had lunch and he paid. They also met regularly at the gym. I am guessing there is more to the story. We went away on a trip this summer. As soon as we returned he called her then made an appointment for a haircut. So I suspect he saw he after we returned. However I feel it is unlikely I will ever uncover the full story. He did have some very signficant trauma in his life recently. No excuse though bc he made his choices.
You will never know everything. Cheaters only admit to what you found out. My ex after 20+ years of seeing women “friends” behind my back said to my face that the two handfuls of things that I found out over the years was “everything.” I don’t believe it! I got lucky with what I found out. The only things I know are what I found out on my own or someone told me. He admitted to nothing. Divorce Minister has a great quote from Dr. Phil’s dad I think, “For every rat you see, there are 50 you don’t.”
And this topic of cheating when you are most vulnerable is spot-on. We had what I thought was a really nice little family. Gorgeous son, nice home, nice life, happy I thought. I got pregnant with #2 and narc husband found something new and sparkly at work to play with. I cried every single day throughout that pregnancy, because I didn’t know why he was being so cold and mean; he turned into a totally different person. He was even mean during the delivery and after our daughter was born. I had never been so afraid my entire life. Pregnant, one-year old son, stay-at-home mom, no family around and at the time I thought my husband was having an affair. And years later I realize he truly was, because hindsight it 20/20 and I can see the truth as plane as day. Cheaters never change. At least I don’t think they do. They just get better at hiding it.
My wife committed adultery when I was in a deep depression. After my depression lifted it took her about 4 months to partially confess to the adultery. So when I was literally one step from suicide and needed her the most she went on a 3 year sex romp with her manager. When I got back on my feet and was my old self again she came “back” to me. She never told me everything. Fast forward 16 years and 3 kids … I just found out the entirety of the adultery. I would have divorced her on the spot if I would have known then what I know now. I have had a post nuptial signed, had her write all the details down and have notarized, had her make video with pastor detailing the boundaries and consequences for crossing those boundaries, and had her take a lie detector test. Please make sure you know all you can about the affair and then become tricked into staying married on partial information. I was used as a sperm donor and a bank for the majority of my marriage. She is an illegitimate wife and an illegitimate mother to my children. If she would have told the truth the first time she would be but a distant memory. So please please learn all you can and do not trust what the adulterer says.
No idea how I could ever expose the entire affair bc I was not around.
With this bimbo it only lasted about 5 months. The funny part is my husband was fired from his job right before this happened so I was at work all day. Until one day my child called me when he was home sick asking where I was. I told him his father was staying with him that day.
But my husband left him home alone when he went to the gym. And the was the beginning of me exposing the entire thing.
When I asked my husband where he was he told me my child was sleeping and he went to the drugstore to get medication for him. I had a gps on him so I knew then it was a bug rouse and something was up. So I checked his phone records and then it unraveled.