For the land is full of adultery,
and it lies under a curse.
The land itself is in mourning—
its wilderness pastures are dried up.
For they all do evil
and abuse what power they have.-Jeremiah 23:10,NLT
When the cheater is a pastor or “Christian” counselor, it brings another layer of evil to the matter, in my opinion.
Both ought to know through their own profession how damaging the sins of adultery and its accompanying deceit is. They, obviously, know it is wrong to behave in this way.
Yet they do it anyways.
When a pastor does this, it creates an additional layer of destruction as the pastor often is seen as a representative of God. The faithful spouse then has to separate the wicked behavior of that pastor from what God actually thinks about the matter of adultery.
When a “Christian” counselor commits adultery, the layer of destruction looks a little different. In this case, it can create a sense of danger and distrust of all counselors. This is particularly awful considering how the faithful spouse needs good counsel especially in this time.
None of this is new, though.
The Prophet Jeremiah lamented back in his day about how the leaders of the people were caught–just like everyone else in the nation–in wickedness. In fact, the next verse he talks about how the priests even perform wickedness in the Temple.
My encouragement to you, faithful spouse, is to respond to this evil the way Jeremiah did:
He rejected the evil as belonging to those behaving in wicked ways. Jeremiah did not allow human wickedness to separate him from his good and just God.
My ex (a pastor) had an affair with another pastor (who was also a counselor and 15 years younger).
Words simply cannot describe my rage at how the church has turned a blind eye to their sin and destruction.
Wow. Sounds like a church that doesn’t know the real Jesus. We know He would be angry with you about such treacherous behavior!
My ex (2 weeks since divorce was final – 30+ years), is a theologian at a university which is connected to our denomination. We were sort of an “it couple” giving talks at churches, founding a faith sharing community, hosting big gatherings at our home. I also teach theology at a nearby high school.
When I first learned of his infidelity, I hoped he would leave it behind (he said he was done with her). I was so broken I hid from almost everyone in town. I was afraid I would reveal what he had done and how devastated I was. For a year, I had fake migraines, shared that I was going through a depression,…, all sorts of excuses to avoid friends and family. It was so lonely and hard. Gradually it became obvious that he wanted to leave me permanently and be with her. Lots of lies, hurt, blaming me,… I gradually began telling pieces of the story to some folks. I experienced a lot of embarrassment, shame, humiliation, and because I was so lonely, I often shared more than I wished I would have and regretted saying some things about what he had done and said to me.
Ugh.
I have left the congregation which I had loved. I really have not found another faith community that feels safe. Too many people know me and him and I feel like they look at me funny.
With all my heart I wish I could move to another place, but honestly I don’t have the money and my adult children think of this place as home.
My belief in God and my prayer life (and spiritual director) have been a foundation for me. However, I feel so lonely for a community.
It is really really hard and sometimes I lose hope that things will ever get better for me.
Meanwhile, at his job, there seems to be almost no negative consequences for him. I haven’t gone near there in 2 years so whoever knows (his version of the story) doesn’t seem to care.
My ex (a senior pastor) committed adultery with a deacon’s wife and some in that church wanted to bring him back as pastor after we had divorced and he had married the other woman. My ex is once again pastoring a church (a different one) with the other woman by his side. I don’t know if this new congregation doesn’t know or just doesn’t care, but that first church I mentioned is very close to having to close its doors for bleeding members. That breaks my heart. However, that congregation’s willingness to accommodate the adultery and subsequent adulterous marriage of their pastor showed me that fellowship was not a safe place for me and my children. In order to survive emotionally and spiritually, I have shaken off the dust and moved on.
I am sorry you were treated so badly!
I am glad you recognized that your past faith community is unsafe and moved on. Too many pepple hang-on, hoping for something that will never be. Take your gifting to another community who will love you for who you are…
Loren, thank you. It took a little while, but I finally realized I had a choice. I could wallow in the mud with the old church and weep and wail and gnash my teeth that they also betrayed me or (like I came to understand about my ex) I could shake off the dust and go find a healthier congregation/life.
I have moved on to another community and they DO love me and have given me a place to care for those like me. God never wastes an experience–if He allowed it, He has a plan to use it.