Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed.
John 3:20, NIV
Value differences are so great between a faithful spouse and a cheater that sometimes it is hard to fathom and accept a cheater’s actions as actually having happened.
A faithful spouse who values personal integrity and fidelity may find it impossible to imagine a world where he violated his marriage sexually and was able to keep the truth hidden from his wife for months or even years!
Further, a faithful spouse may find it hard to believe that their partner engaged in this behavior while succeeding outwardly in their profession–including such professions as social work, marriage therapist, psychologist, and pastor.
The guilt and shame over the adultery would incapacitate us!
Not so much with “accomplished” cheaters.
They delight in the darkness.
The light is hated as it takes away their power to deceive, hide, and manipulate. In the light, their lacking character is exposed. The “cat is out of the bag,” and trying to put it back in the bag is like trying to give the cat a bath. That ain’t gonna happen!
It is important to get wise about the sort of people who inhabit this world. An elder–including a pastor–is capable of living a double life preaching up front in church and banging the married secretary out back in the parking lot. It is disgusting, but the reality of living in a world filled with people broken through sin and willing to partner with the darkness.
Similarly, it is important to realize that a “Christian” adulterous spouse has many reasons to keep the truth hidden. Essentially, those reasons boil down to control and power. They want to control their image and relationships, which sometimes includes the marriage that they violated through adultery and lies.
People knowing the truth gives them power.
After all, it is much harder to manipulate people through charm or playing the marriage “victim” when it is known that you were banging someone on the side while talking about how bad your spouse was.
The “cat is out of the bag,” and trying to put it back in the bag is like trying to give the cat a bath. That ain’t gonna happen!
I stopped trying to give my cat a bath after an incident a long time ago when she was a kitten. She managed to jump in the toilet and I caught her before she fell in completely but after her little paws and part of her front already touched the pee. I was in a hurry and tried to bathe her quickly in the bathroom sink while the warm water was still running and filling up the sink. She didn’t like that. All four paws stretched out while she made all sorts of noise. I managed to get her into the sink after I turned off the running water, but she was not a happy camper. I decided that I had enough fun with cat bathing for a lifetime. Don’t even get me started on the trips to the vet. Apparently, she somehow managed to earn an orange will bite sticker on her file as a kitten.
I see that picture and I just want to caption it “Hey, close that drawer. I’m trying to sleep here. And get me some cat treats!”
“It is important to get wise about the sort of people who inhabit this world.”
Before going through infidelity with my ex-wife, I really couldn’t comprehend that there are people that know what is right but just don’t care. They may even feel guilt for what they have done but then continue doing it, knowing that it hurts the person who loves them the most. To me, having a conscious and then the capacity to ignore it, is worse than not having one because the betrayal is then intentional and decisive. I didn’t know people like this existed before.
I think a lot of Christians who have not experienced adultery themselves, really cannot comprehend the magnitude of the it. They only know what they hear and see, but the experience, which is what makes it real, is lacking. I’ve had seasoned Christian friends with good intentions try to give me advice about adultery. But their lack of experience causes them to say things that are just naive. Not that I wish that evil on them. I hope no one has to go through what I did.
Michael- I do agree that most Christians who have not experienced adultery do not understand the magnitude of this. I don’t think I understood it well before I experienced it. It is soul crushing and I long to connect with other Christians who “get it,” but I can’t seem to find that community except here. I am truly wise to the type of people who are out there now and consider that a blessing. My radar of the disordered is well tuned but I still can’t fully comprehend their depravity. I feel most of these people are the way they are because of various types of childhood trauma and instead of asking God to heal these traumas they look for worldly things to heal them. I would love to hear if you have found a local community who do better understand what you are going through.
I wanted to just throw up after reading this! Honestly, after having walked through this after six months and still not having everything completely out in the open. The lies have been told and explained away. I almost believed them. I actually forgave for them because I honestly just can’t fathom after having the Christian marriage I’ve had for over 30 years..But….last week. Hang onto your hat and somebody tell me if I’m really crazy because that’s what I was feeling until last week.
Wonderful husband and father. Sunday School teacher although he’s not teaching right now. Always able to think clearly and see things through the lens of scripture. That is gone. DM – you have seen my other posts and know what it’s about.
Last week I was scrolling on the other woman’s business facebook page. First time I’ve scrolled on it although I had looked at it in the past. I see a post from last May (when this would have been going on) although I didn’t start putting things together until Sept. I’m scrolling and I see this post from last May where she’s at a furniture store with another designer and she names the woman. Tags her in the post on fb and then names my husband. He doesn’t have facebook so she can’t tag him. I check his work ledger. Yep, he had been working for them at the time.
So I ask him that night to look at his ledger and tell me which jobs she’d been on. He wants to know why so I tell him I saw something on the computer. I didn’t tell him what. He comes in the room and starts sharing with me other details of when he worked with her. Stuff he’d never told me before. Almost like he had to tell me something because he didn’t know what I’d found. He went into all these things I had no idea about. Honestly, they wouldn’t have been a big deal if he hadn’t lied to me about all this other stuff for months. I told him regardless of it all, he hadn’t told me all this before and it was just another part of it.
So for days, the man is so offended because I don’t believe him . We had the worst argument ever in our entire marriage. Just imagine adult kids who are so ticked off listening to it because he’s twisting it . Saying the most awful things to put it back on me.
That is what has shown me something is so horribly wrong with this. He would rather I walk out over what circumstantial evidence I have than admit something has happened. He doesn’t want to look bad in front of our family.
I’m not even going to describe what happened here over all of that. I sat down that night and told him that this can never happen again in this home. Of course, He agreed and he honestly thinks all is well….for now.
What he doesn’t know is that several days later I went back on her page to read it again. The post from last May!! She has changed the wording!! I’m not crazy. I remember what it said. She put my husbands name first and her friend that she had tagged (originally had the entire name) she now has her first name only and it’s untagged..
A trusted friend of mine who knows about all of this, thinks he told her and that’s why it’s changed. I honestly can’t wrap my head around it. I know I’m not crazy in seeing that it’s been changed. I’ve wondered if she could see that I’ve checked it and that I clicked on her friends name that was tagged? It was a business page. I need definite hard physical proof before I can walk out of here. I have some definite options but I can’t walk out without knowing for sure…Thanks for letting me vent. I’m pretty sure I am not crazy now..lol.
Marie- you definitely are not crazy. This is gaslighting. Your husband is saying and doing things that make you question yourself and the truth. Your gut feelings are there for a reason- don’t ever doubt those. The fact that he is trying to put everything back on you is a big red flag. Your husband should be empathetic and concerned about your doubts. You might be able to save your marriage still but your husband has to be completely transparent, truthful, open and compassionate toward how much he has hurt you.
My husband was an elder, Sunday School teacher, and summer camp parent for our church. I thought he was a good husband and father who was going through some midlife struggles. His friendship with his Sunday School partner was getting too close and I said enough was enough. I wanted her out of our life. I told him no more calling, texting and Facebooking her. For two months he was remorseful and he doted on me and told me how sorry he was but I still felt uneasy and crazy and I was doubting myself just like you Marie. Then almost like a flip of switch, my remorseful husband turned into a cruel mean monster with cruel, scary words and actions. He suddenly said he was unhappy and I was the worst wife in the world and some awful, ugly things. I had to throw him out of the house because he was destroying my soul and scaring the kids. He still swore this woman was just his friend, even after I tracked him staying the night at her home with an iPhone app on his birthday. He said he needed his freedom to find his happiness. (Gag.) That was almost two years ago and he still says he’s just friends with this woman even though his car is parked at her house often. He can be fake nice sometimes but I know the truth, he REALLY is that evil, cruel man that I scared me into PTSD. My husband has lost his wife, the respect of his kids, he is almost bankrupt, has been shunned by his church, has lost all of his long time friends and, most of all, I think his eternal soul is in trouble but this woman seems to be worth all this. Now that is crazy, but my gut feelings were spot on. Marie- find a wonderful Christian counselor that can help you through this. It makes all the difference in the world. My heart and prayers go out to you.
That is what appears to be happening here. I’m so sorry for what you went through broken hearted! How awful!! It is truly mind boggling and mind numbing!!
The email I type in to write on here, I’m not able to read anymore. I’m going to ask DM personally to let you know who I am so you can message me on Facebook. I think I may be starting to get some PTSD from all of this. Feel free to message me when he gives it, but if you don’t want to I completely understand.
I would be happy to message you Marie. I’m so sorry for your pain and PTSD. DM, feel free to give Marie my email address if you can. We need to support one another as much as possible.
Ok…thanks! Just passed your email to Marie as requested, BHB.