It was also written that this message would be proclaimed in the authority of his name to all the nations, beginning in Jerusalem: ‘There is forgiveness of sins for all who repent.’
-Luke 24:47, NLT
Often faithful spouses are pushed to forgive with no reference to the cheater’s repentance.
As these words attributed to Jesus by Luke attest, such pressure to forgive is premature and is not biblical. Jesus offers forgiveness to those who repent.
In some sense, I think this means someone is not truly forgiven if they never repent of their sins. Something is missing for the spiritual loop to be closed, so to speak.
And if Jesus does not forgive without repentance, I wonder at the advice pushing forgiveness without repentance in evidence.
I don’t think it is wise to hold onto the role of righteous punisher. However, I think it is foolish to think the account is truly cleared in the eyes of God without the cheater’s repentance.
After all, we do not get Jesus’ forgiveness unless we repent.
Cheaters need to hear this.
They do get a free pass to cheat and then get forgiveness with no signs of stopping. God will not be fooled. Repentance is required of them.
Forgiveness and repentance go hand and hand for those interested in adhering to a biblical view on these matters.
My advice to Christians facing these situations as outsiders is a caution:
Don’t ask the faithful spouse if they have forgiven the cheater without first asking if the cheater has shown signs of repentance!
If the cheater is not repenting, then it is unbiblical to probe the forgiveness question for the faithful spouse.
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*A version of this post ran previously.
I was discussing this very question about forgiveness with a pastor recently. The pastor repeatedly stressed that forgiving my unrepentant cheating ex-husband was for my benefit. This seems very unbiblical considering Luke 24:47. I find this very confusing. How can I “give” forgiveness if the other person doesn’t accept it? And to accept forgiveness, aren’t there requirements ( such as repentance) before the transaction is complete for both parties?
I think that we can only go so far on the forgiveness process without a repenant party… We can hand the sin debt to God and go our way… yet the sin really isn’t truly forgiven until or if the sinner repents. That is how I see it.
My wife’s adultery (we’re trying to reconcile, it is hard, so very hard) has caused me to dig into this too.
To me, there is this layer of forgiveness that accepts what happened and puts it in context with the bigger picture, and just decides to not dwell on it anymore. This is where I am with her (for the most part), it doesn’t depend on her, her attitudes, repentance or not. And if we divorced I can see myself moving on and not holding onto it. Kind of like if the person who hurt you dies, and you never get repentance; you just move on.
This second layer is what I think of as true forgiveness, where you are reconciled, restored, it isn’t an issue between you, and their actions are as far as from East to West. This is where I am struggling with my wife. Jesus can see inside the heart and do this with a wave of His hand without seeing outward signs. To me, this step needs repentance, contrition, empathy, etc. I am having difficulty reaching full forgiveness without these outward signs, but I confess I still have a lot of healing to do.
So to me, this “gift of forgiveness you give yourself” is the first one. The second one, true forgiveness, requires the other person to say it and show it. If they don’t want to, that’s on them.