“Contend with your mother, contend,
For she is not my wife, and I am not her husband;
And let her put away her harlotry from her face
And her adultery from between her breasts…”-Hosea 2:2, NASB
While I do not mind the end result–the merciful divorce paving the way to my marriage to Mrs. DM–I am still struck by a certain piece of bad advice that just hastened the end of my first marriage. Mrs. DM just shakes her head when I share this piece of advice that I occasionally followed towards the end.
My “excuse” in following it:
I was too desperate and willing to be humiliated trying to save a marriage that I could not save due to my ex-wife’s lack of repentance.
The worst advice given to me was…
“Stop talking to her about the other man.”
Those that encouraged me to follow this advice were well-meaning but were dead wrong in their advice.
They wanted me to keep talking and communicating with my (now) ex-wife thinking such connection might save the marriage. You see, the price to do so was to be silent about her adultery.
She always became belligerent in the conversation–as I remembered it–when I brought up the OM (Other Man) and insisted she end her affair.
A major problem with the advice to stop talking about the OM/OW is that it is built on a false assumption. It assumes there is anything left of a marriage to save with the OM/OW still in the picture and the adulterous sin still hidden by lies.
A marriage is already over (and chosen against) as long as the cheater refuses to end the adultery and expose the illicit relationship(s) to the light of truth.
The whole “forsaking all others” bit is rather important for a marriage to exist!
So, learn from my mistake:
Never take the focus off the adultery until you are satisfied it is over and the lies are fully exposed.
For pastors and faithful spouses, I exhort you to keep this in mind when dealing with infidelity.
Do not fall for the temptation to look at the faithful spouse’s relational imperfections taking the pressure off of the adulterous spouse to repent.
The adultery needs to be ended, and the lies need to be exposed to light and truth. And the adulterous sinner needs to take full responsibility for their sin in order for a chance to exist for healing/restoration. For how can one choose better in the future if one fails to realize one chose poorly and wickedly in committing adultery?
While I do not beat myself up for my choices being thankful for where God has taken me today, I do realize it was a mistake to take the focus off the OM even for a short period. I wished had stuck by my guns in refusing to talk about my first marriage+ until I was certain the OM was out of the picture and my ex had confessed her dirty secrets to me to my satisfaction.
This I write to you as an encouragement who have found yourself wavering like I did. It is okay. However, I encourage you to stand firm making it clear the marriage is over unless the evil of adultery is stopped and fully exposed.* Anything less would be to tolerate wickedness.
+I emphasize not talking about the marriage until the OM/OW is out of the picture and the covering lies exposed for two major reasons. First, it is important for one’s own legal safety to do basic business with the adulterous spouse like hammering out assets and child-custody things. Please do that wisely and civilly. Second, it is important to send the clear signal that the adultery is the problem of the marriage, and without it addressed, the marriage is over as absolutely no safety (physical, emotional, or spiritual) remains in such a union. To focus on other areas is to minimize adultery’s wickedness and to enable blameshifting on the part of the adulterous spouse. So, it is vital the focus remains on the adultery and exposing the lies protecting and enabling it.
*Again, I encourage remaining civil in this as well. Be firm but not mean. The point is not cruelty or to crush the adulterous spouse but to find the truth and empower the adulterous spouse to repent and truly change. It may seem crushing to the adulterous spouse to have their sin exposed, but it is a necessary soul surgery. Plus, I fail to see how actual repentance can happen while the adulterous spouse remains in adulterous sin or continues protecting the OM/OW through maintaining lies (of omission or commission).
++A version of this post ran previously.
Thank you so much for this. Although my husband has said there was no affair, it’s been 2 long years of not having answers that I really need. I’ve honestly been sure that there was no chance of them even talking anymore as my husband has his former job back and he never goes off on his own but he didn’t before.
We’ve been talking about moving and building a garage guest house first before the house. We found the exact plan we’ve decided on. Just decided like 3 weeks ago. So last Sund. Night the ow put up a picture shared from a realtor. She writes nothing on it but just shared the picture. While not the exact photo of what we found….. It is the exact destinct style that we’ve picked out. Even in the way it attaches to the house.
I hesitate to think that he could have told her about this. What honestly are the chances. I did look it up on the realtors page which she is a local realtor but it doesn’t say where it sold.
She has messed with me on FB in the past and my husband knows that and has no explanation obviously! He doesn’t know about this recent one. I’m not telling him.
He’ll say he has no idea or I’m imagining it. I’m just tired of it.
Dear DM,
Thank you for running this. In February 2017 I found out that my husband was still involved with the OW, since 2015. We were supposed to be reconciling. Once I found out the adultery was still going on I filed for divorce and it was final June 2017. My ex told me once the divorce was final and he and moved out he asked why did I divorce him? He said you could have just separated I said why? All of the other stuff wasn’t working and still wasn’t honest.
I don’t know if he is involved with the OW now or not or why. He reports he wants us back. Where I struggle is I don’t believe him. I just don’t think it is wise to even think about being a couple again and I don’t want God upset with me.
I truly feel that I did the right thing and I think he is just realizing the grass is not greener.
God doesn’t require me to reconcile now does he? I am just starting to see a new life and my future potential single.
It sounds like he’s trying to play victim.
Is he blaming you for the divorce and him having consequences for his sin(s), rather than accepting responsibility for breaking the marriage covenant?
Not as I read the Bible. You are free to remain divorced even if he only committed adultery once.
What I found most difficult in my healing process was that I was willing to reconcile after I uncovered the affair. However, the Christian counselors and other I went to never wanted to focus on the adultery and my exes continually relapses of trying to stay connected to the music pastor she had an affair with.
Very insightful post.